A Series of Thoughts on Morality: Part 2

Today's topic: Tolerance and Acceptance. Both are words that get thrown around a lot. For the record, they are defined as the following:

Tolerance is the capacity for or the practice of recognizing and respecting the beliefs or practices of others. Acceptance can be either favorable reception, approval, belief in something, or agreement.

The question of whether one is better than the other is one that has popped in my mind in recent years. Tolerance is always something that is encouraged among others. We should tolerate the differences of others. We should tolerate behaviors that annoy us. If we don't like something, we smile and keep that dislike to ourselves or else we're intolerant. There is really not much that is "intolerable" these days among people I know. That all being said, I don't think tolerance is good enough.

Tolerance has this underlying identity. When we tolerate something, we are, at essence, putting up with it. We may not particularly want to  put up with it, but we do for many reasons. Because it is more convenient for us to be tolerant. Because we are showing respect. Because it is not socially acceptable to be intolerant. Tolerance is a mask. It is a pale imitation of acceptance, which I personally feel to be the better of the two.

Acceptance is freedom. It is the admittance of truth, many times a truth people don't want to hear or acknowledge. Acceptance is taking in something that was once disliked or tolerated and seeing it as it is, not for what we want it to be. As someone who has been seeking truth around me, I like acceptance a lot. I like the freedom it provides me. There are many things I accept that some people find tolerable at best. It's all a matter of perception. Case in point:

I had a discussion with a male relative about the recent gay marriage vote in New York. I accepted it as a wonderful thing (because it is, to me). He tolerated it. I asked him why and we got into this whole debate of the one word people keep arguing about: "marriage." In his eyes, it is acceptable for him to sleep around with a lot of women only to eventually enter into a "sacred" (his word, not mine) bond that should be reserved for men and women alone. He accepts that the phrasing in the U.S. laws between Marriage and Civil Unions is faulty and feels they should be equal, just that the word should not cover both heterosexual and homosexual unions. In my eyes, I tolerate that he sleeps around without much thought to his partners and thinks sex is sacred at the same time. I don't particularly like it and I don't think he should be arguing for sacredness when he doesn't appear to take relationships seriously (but that's a post for another day). Rather, I accept that love happens when it happens and how it happens and that there is no control for who we love. Why punish people for something positive that they can't control?

In the end, I can say this: I accept that relative for who he is because I love him, warts and all. To simply tolerate him (put up with him) instead of accept him (take him for what he is) would begin a process of disassociation. Soon I start finding others quirks of his intolerable (which tends to happen a lot when we tolerate things instead of accept them) until I realize I can't stand him at all. I would rather accept him as he is and watch him grow than tolerate him and watch our relationship die.

That is, I feel the big difference between the two: tolerance is stagnant and acceptance is not. When you tolerate something, you're saying "I'm not going any further on my opinion on this." When you accept something, you're saying "I understand this thing and want to grow with it." So I suppose in the end, it is always better to accept... unless you can't.

Acceptance is a big step in any kind of relationship or understanding. A lot of people don't get there. Hence, why tolerance is so popular. It's a mask of acceptance, the convenient ideal. Tolerance in my life is convenient. As I mentioned before, convenience is dangerous to me. It is the temptation of making things easier when I should be working towards them instead. Hence, I've come upon this conclusion when it comes to tolerance and acceptance: Acceptance is the ideal. Try to learn and understand things I may not like at best and hate at worst. Until I can accept them, tolerate them. Recognize them for what they are and not what they are trying to be. Don't antagonize them, but don't trust them either. Acceptance is the foundation trust is built upon. Without acceptance, there is no trust to gain for me. I was hurt too many times when I trusted first and accepted later. I think this can help me. We'll see, won't we?

Next time: Loyalty

RG

A Series of Thoughts on Morality: Part 1

This is the first of interrelated blog posts. They all approach the same theme: my morality and how it has evolved from times past. Today's topic: Convenience.

Convenience is described as " freedom from discomfort." When things are done "at one's convenience," they are done in a manner that is easy. People do not have to exert a great effort or dedicate a lot of time to performing things or acts when they have convenience in mind. Convenience doesn't seem to have a negative connotation at first sight. It actually sounds pretty positive; why exert an effort for something that is problematic? Do things the easy way!

Except I am a former user and a victim of convenience. Once upon a time, my relationships with people depended on convenience. Was hanging out with a given person fun? Did hanging out with them require much effort on my part? Was spending time with this person good for me socially? If those questions had positive answers, then I built an amicable acquaintanceship. I rarely built friendships, but when I did, they were always set with permanence in mind. Until they ended. Some ended well. Some ended badly. This relates to those that ended badly.


The user became the victim. I was no longer convenient to spend time around. I was branded. "She's a hassle." "Too opinionated." "Not worth the time." These are all things I heard related to me. I learned too well what I had been dealing out to people when they started dealing it out to me. I felt hurt, betrayed, and yet, wiser.


I learned convenience is a terrible thing to base any kind of relationship on. I want convenience when I'm in traffic or looking for ways to make tasks and work easier. I don't want the primary reason to be around people to be "it's easy for me to be around them and I get a reward for it." It can be a perk, but it should not be what the relationship is based on. Any relationship worth having takes effort. There is no such thing as a truly convenient relationship. If it is too perfect, something is wrong.  Life is messy, complicated, inconvenient. It's better to deal with it as it is than to try and cut corners. Cutting corners may be convenient, but not when it comes to people and emotions.

In the morality I am developing now, I don't see convenience as pure evil. But it does fall more on the black side than white or gray. Convenience can be dangerous, especially when it's a main motivation. Forming friendships and relationships based on convenience is playing with fire. That's not to say that every friendship or relationship should be ridiculously complicated. There needs to be a balance. Effort needs to be made on both sides of a -ship for it to work well. If it's out of convenience for one of the people involved, they will leave when it stops being convenient. It's how most people are, sadly.  

Knowing what I've learned about convenience has definitely prepared me to look at my interactions with people in a new light. I'm looking forward to developing new -ships and reinvigorating old ones now that I am leaving convenience behind as something I base said -ships on.

Next time: Tolerance vs. Acceptance


RG

I am the Strongest Woman in the World!

Cosplaying as Chun-Li is something I wanted to do my entire life. I just didn't realize that until I did it.

I haven't felt pretty enough to pose for pictures in a long time. That's changed, obviously. :)

RG