After months of deliberating and mulling over different scenarios, I made an important decision: I left my job. It was a wonderful place where I learned a lot about how to teach and how to work with students, but I came to the realization that to keep working there would have meant that I would have to remain stagnant. I could not move or live on my own. I would be chained to a company that sent me to various schools that would be happy to use me but not so happy to pay me.
That said, I ended up accepting an offer from another school. Not a company, a school. A place of learning, not business. And I could not be more excited! This will be my first time back in a school first time since the experience that dragged me down. I will be taking all I learned this past year and applying it as I work in one of the most challenging and dynamic school systems in the state.
I'll let you know how that works out. :D
RG
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Thursday, July 7, 2011
A Series of Thoughts on Morality: The Summary
I ended up writing about five different things that I once respected as someone who is (or was) "moral". A moral person is defined as someone who "conforms to a standard of right behavior." For me, the facets of these behavior I am am most concerned with fall under five themes: Convenience, Tolerance vs. Acceptance, Loyalty, Forgiveness, and Trust. By analyzing each theme, I have come to the following conclusions:
1) My morality has changed. Very much. I wasn't ok with it until I looked at how much changed and why. Now that I know what I'm dealing with, I think I'll be able to handle it just fine.
2) On my brand new Morality Scale, these subjects fall within the following categories- Negative, Neutral, or Positive. Negative aspects are things I'm trying to get rid of. Neutral aspects are things I am going to have to deal with, like it or not, so I use them with a grain of salt. Positive aspects are things I want to include more of. There is no more Right or Wrong, just Positive, Neutral, and Negative.
3) Convenience is an overwhelmingly Negative aspect. In the past, when I have done things out of convenience for myself or others, those things have never worked out. Convenience when put into the context of human relationships and feelings is not a good thing at all and is to be avoided as much as possible.
4) Tolerance is Negative in the sense that it is a "convenient" form of the Positive Acceptance. Tolerance can be a good thing when used sparingly and with an open mind with the intent of positive change and growth. On the whole, people should not be tolerated, they should be accepted. In the case that I come across people that I cannot accept as they are (people who have not earned my trust or, worse, breached it or have hurt either myself or people I care for), then I will tolerate with the intent of acceptance or, in the worst case scenario, cut off contact until acceptance is a viable pathway, if it ever is. I do not need to tolerate disrespectful or malicious behavior from people, nor do I need to accept it.
5) Loyalty is overrated. There is no point in being loyal to a fault. Loyalty to abuse or an abuser is not healthy for anyone. That being said, loyalty has a place in close bonds. Not so much in superficial bonds. The most important loyalty one can have is the loyalty to oneself above all other things. Once we start betraying who were are and what we believe in, it all starts going downhill. Loyalty is Neutral.
6) Forgiveness is a Positive ideal I'm going to strive for. However, forgiveness is only meant to be reached when there has been an offense made by a close -ship. Superficial -ships can get away with more because of their nature. Deep -ships call for apologies and forgiveness when a party has been "wronged". Additionally, forgiveness has to be earned. And sincere. On both sides.
7) Trust is reserved only for the worthy. In order to trust someone, I need to know who they are and accept them for who they are. I need to stay on my guard. Not know them through other people or rumors. Not let my guard down until I am 100% sure I know exactly who this person is and, once I do, I need to actually like them too. If a person betrays that trust, then I will either Cut Ties or Forgive and Accept depending on the situation. As I mentioned in part five, some things are unforgivable to me. In no part of this did I say the trust would be regained immediately. Once my trust is gone, it needs to be worked for again. This is not a challenge for those looking for something convenient. Trust is Neutral.
I guess I can call these my new commandments. I have come to them after more than a few experiences on the front lines of social wars. There were some good and bad moments there, but I learned from them all. And that is what matters the most; that I grew and that I can come out of these experiences a stronger, wiser woman.
RG
1) My morality has changed. Very much. I wasn't ok with it until I looked at how much changed and why. Now that I know what I'm dealing with, I think I'll be able to handle it just fine.
2) On my brand new Morality Scale, these subjects fall within the following categories- Negative, Neutral, or Positive. Negative aspects are things I'm trying to get rid of. Neutral aspects are things I am going to have to deal with, like it or not, so I use them with a grain of salt. Positive aspects are things I want to include more of. There is no more Right or Wrong, just Positive, Neutral, and Negative.
3) Convenience is an overwhelmingly Negative aspect. In the past, when I have done things out of convenience for myself or others, those things have never worked out. Convenience when put into the context of human relationships and feelings is not a good thing at all and is to be avoided as much as possible.
4) Tolerance is Negative in the sense that it is a "convenient" form of the Positive Acceptance. Tolerance can be a good thing when used sparingly and with an open mind with the intent of positive change and growth. On the whole, people should not be tolerated, they should be accepted. In the case that I come across people that I cannot accept as they are (people who have not earned my trust or, worse, breached it or have hurt either myself or people I care for), then I will tolerate with the intent of acceptance or, in the worst case scenario, cut off contact until acceptance is a viable pathway, if it ever is. I do not need to tolerate disrespectful or malicious behavior from people, nor do I need to accept it.
5) Loyalty is overrated. There is no point in being loyal to a fault. Loyalty to abuse or an abuser is not healthy for anyone. That being said, loyalty has a place in close bonds. Not so much in superficial bonds. The most important loyalty one can have is the loyalty to oneself above all other things. Once we start betraying who were are and what we believe in, it all starts going downhill. Loyalty is Neutral.
6) Forgiveness is a Positive ideal I'm going to strive for. However, forgiveness is only meant to be reached when there has been an offense made by a close -ship. Superficial -ships can get away with more because of their nature. Deep -ships call for apologies and forgiveness when a party has been "wronged". Additionally, forgiveness has to be earned. And sincere. On both sides.
7) Trust is reserved only for the worthy. In order to trust someone, I need to know who they are and accept them for who they are. I need to stay on my guard. Not know them through other people or rumors. Not let my guard down until I am 100% sure I know exactly who this person is and, once I do, I need to actually like them too. If a person betrays that trust, then I will either Cut Ties or Forgive and Accept depending on the situation. As I mentioned in part five, some things are unforgivable to me. In no part of this did I say the trust would be regained immediately. Once my trust is gone, it needs to be worked for again. This is not a challenge for those looking for something convenient. Trust is Neutral.
I guess I can call these my new commandments. I have come to them after more than a few experiences on the front lines of social wars. There were some good and bad moments there, but I learned from them all. And that is what matters the most; that I grew and that I can come out of these experiences a stronger, wiser woman.
RG
A Series of Thoughts on Morality: Part 5
Today's topic: Trust. Possibly the most discussed topic in the history of humankind ever. Trust is something that all people want to have but rarely possess. It's so important that there's even a specific sin in many world religions that hinges on breaking one's Trust: betrayal. In Dante's Inferno, it's not the murderers or lustful or greedy who end up in the darkest depths of Hell. It's the traitors. That's how important Trust is to people.
For the record, Trust is defined as the reliance on and confidence in the truth, worth, reliability, etc, of a person or thing; faith. Trust is one of those intangible things like love or courage or loyalty. People have an idea of what trust is but can't physically share it with a another person. Trust is also one of the BIGGEST gambles a person can take. When a person trusts another person or a thing, they are putting their faith and belief in that person/thing. They are pretty much assuming that what they believe in will come through for them, that simply by believing, everything will turn out as they desire or plan.
Except when everything doesn't. At all.
As nice as Trust is, it's dangerous. It's dangerous because people are notoriously unreliable. I didn't grow up in an environment where Trust was an important virtue. I grew up in a home where convenience was important. We told each other things depending on whether or not they would make our lives easier, not on whether or not they were necessarily true. Needless to say, this is not the best environment for someone to develop any trusting skills. My experience with Trust was "Trust only your family." Keep in mind, this is flawed logic because I am essentially trusting people who don't tell the truth. People that I see lie with my own eyes, people who weren't trustworthy at all. So, therefore, Trust to me was meaningless for a long time. What was the point of trusting strangers when I knew my own family didn't tell the truth?
Then, something wonderful happened to me. I went to college. I got out of the family I was brought up in and was immersed in a world of diverse peoples and experiences. I fell in love. I found someone that, in spite of all the complaints and past experiences I could muster, I trusted entirely. And it took me five years to be ok with that. Five years of learning that I can trust that someone won't hurt me, that someone will be there for me when I need them. I learned that opening myself up to that Trust was a wonderful thing. But it also came with a price.
By starting to trust him, I started to trust people he trusted. And to be completely honest, his Trust was misplaced. I trusted people for him and was hurt. And in those five years, my Trust for him was battling my skepticism of everyone else. There were many days where I would look at myself and him and think "Is he worth my heart; should I keep trusting him?" There were also just as many days where I said, "Yes, he is." In the battle of Skepticism and Trust when it came to him, Trust won. In the battle for everyone else, Skepticism won.
I do not regret the good things that came from -ships that have since ended due to breaches of Trust. I do not regret the fact that it took losing my newfound Trust in people in order to gain unshakeable Trust in my fiance. I do not know if I will be able to trust anyone the way I trust him, but then again, I'm not really sure I want to. Trust seems to be given too freely among people I know. I've seen it be given to people that are obviously untrustworthy only to have those who gave it betrayed and broken. I've been in that situation. It's not a happy one.
In my morality, I see Trust as neutral where most people would see it as good. A relationship that is meaningful and good has to have Trust. I cannot accept things I do not Trust. I can tolerate them, but I can't accept them until I trust that they are, in fact, what they say they are. Not what they want or plan to be, what they are. However, who is to say that I need to accept every thing and every person I come across? Why should I? Shouldn't Trust be earned, gained by someone who makes the effort to get it? I think Trust that is handed out blindly is stupid. Trust that is gained through positive growth and experience is good.
Trust can be also be terrible. Trusting people or things that have not properly earned Trust can be disastrous. Trusting people because "other people trust them" is also ridiculous. Everyone has a different dynamic on which relationships work. I learned that the hard way with my fiance. He accepted things I could barely tolerate and vice versa. Additionally, people are stupid for the most part. They are willing to put their faith in things that are convenient, shiny, and pretty, but not necessarily true. They're also the first to decry anything that shines a light on their illusions, no matter how bright that light shines. The only thing that can wake these people up are the things they trust, and that's through betrayal. And even then, most people will choose a convenient lie over an inconvenient truth. A stagnant situation over a scary, world-shaking change.
Trust is not something that should be impossible to give to people, but it shouldn't be handed out like Halloween candy either. When done well, Trust can be a beautiful thing. Unfortunately, I'm one of those people who hasn't seen trust done well that often. It wasn't until I fell in love that I thought Trust could be done well at all. And even with love, I have noticed that effort plays a huge part in gaining Trust. If a person can't be bothered to try to gain my Trust, then they have no right to be mad that I don't trust them. If I'm too difficult for people to get to know, there are plenty of shallow, non-haunted people out there for them to play with and hurt. People come to me because they sense something about me. I can't say what it is, because it's been different for everyone. Sometimes it's a kindred spirit. Other times a guide or a mentor, or someone to guide or mentor. Even a friend or friendly acquaintance. In reviewing my beliefs, I've found that I need Trust for all of these to work.
I've become accustomed to a mostly solitary life. It's time I break out of it. At least I can trust myself to do that. I can also trust that I will make good decisions on the people I have surrounding me. There is a saying in my culture, La mierda se junta con mierda. In polite terms, it means that we are judged by who we associate with; if we associate with less than desirable people, it reflects on us. If we associate with desirable people, that also reflects on us. In my case, it is neither right nor wrong to trust people. It is a decision. Not everyone deserves to be trusted and some people deserve to be trusted more than others. It is my decision who I trust, no one else's. It is wrong to trust people based on what others say about them. It is right to trust them based on what I have to say about them. And if they care enough to change that, then they'll do something about it, now won't they?
The TL;DR version of these posts will be coming up later today!
RG
For the record, Trust is defined as the reliance on and confidence in the truth, worth, reliability, etc, of a person or thing; faith. Trust is one of those intangible things like love or courage or loyalty. People have an idea of what trust is but can't physically share it with a another person. Trust is also one of the BIGGEST gambles a person can take. When a person trusts another person or a thing, they are putting their faith and belief in that person/thing. They are pretty much assuming that what they believe in will come through for them, that simply by believing, everything will turn out as they desire or plan.
Except when everything doesn't. At all.
As nice as Trust is, it's dangerous. It's dangerous because people are notoriously unreliable. I didn't grow up in an environment where Trust was an important virtue. I grew up in a home where convenience was important. We told each other things depending on whether or not they would make our lives easier, not on whether or not they were necessarily true. Needless to say, this is not the best environment for someone to develop any trusting skills. My experience with Trust was "Trust only your family." Keep in mind, this is flawed logic because I am essentially trusting people who don't tell the truth. People that I see lie with my own eyes, people who weren't trustworthy at all. So, therefore, Trust to me was meaningless for a long time. What was the point of trusting strangers when I knew my own family didn't tell the truth?
Then, something wonderful happened to me. I went to college. I got out of the family I was brought up in and was immersed in a world of diverse peoples and experiences. I fell in love. I found someone that, in spite of all the complaints and past experiences I could muster, I trusted entirely. And it took me five years to be ok with that. Five years of learning that I can trust that someone won't hurt me, that someone will be there for me when I need them. I learned that opening myself up to that Trust was a wonderful thing. But it also came with a price.
By starting to trust him, I started to trust people he trusted. And to be completely honest, his Trust was misplaced. I trusted people for him and was hurt. And in those five years, my Trust for him was battling my skepticism of everyone else. There were many days where I would look at myself and him and think "Is he worth my heart; should I keep trusting him?" There were also just as many days where I said, "Yes, he is." In the battle of Skepticism and Trust when it came to him, Trust won. In the battle for everyone else, Skepticism won.
I do not regret the good things that came from -ships that have since ended due to breaches of Trust. I do not regret the fact that it took losing my newfound Trust in people in order to gain unshakeable Trust in my fiance. I do not know if I will be able to trust anyone the way I trust him, but then again, I'm not really sure I want to. Trust seems to be given too freely among people I know. I've seen it be given to people that are obviously untrustworthy only to have those who gave it betrayed and broken. I've been in that situation. It's not a happy one.
In my morality, I see Trust as neutral where most people would see it as good. A relationship that is meaningful and good has to have Trust. I cannot accept things I do not Trust. I can tolerate them, but I can't accept them until I trust that they are, in fact, what they say they are. Not what they want or plan to be, what they are. However, who is to say that I need to accept every thing and every person I come across? Why should I? Shouldn't Trust be earned, gained by someone who makes the effort to get it? I think Trust that is handed out blindly is stupid. Trust that is gained through positive growth and experience is good.
Trust can be also be terrible. Trusting people or things that have not properly earned Trust can be disastrous. Trusting people because "other people trust them" is also ridiculous. Everyone has a different dynamic on which relationships work. I learned that the hard way with my fiance. He accepted things I could barely tolerate and vice versa. Additionally, people are stupid for the most part. They are willing to put their faith in things that are convenient, shiny, and pretty, but not necessarily true. They're also the first to decry anything that shines a light on their illusions, no matter how bright that light shines. The only thing that can wake these people up are the things they trust, and that's through betrayal. And even then, most people will choose a convenient lie over an inconvenient truth. A stagnant situation over a scary, world-shaking change.
Trust is not something that should be impossible to give to people, but it shouldn't be handed out like Halloween candy either. When done well, Trust can be a beautiful thing. Unfortunately, I'm one of those people who hasn't seen trust done well that often. It wasn't until I fell in love that I thought Trust could be done well at all. And even with love, I have noticed that effort plays a huge part in gaining Trust. If a person can't be bothered to try to gain my Trust, then they have no right to be mad that I don't trust them. If I'm too difficult for people to get to know, there are plenty of shallow, non-haunted people out there for them to play with and hurt. People come to me because they sense something about me. I can't say what it is, because it's been different for everyone. Sometimes it's a kindred spirit. Other times a guide or a mentor, or someone to guide or mentor. Even a friend or friendly acquaintance. In reviewing my beliefs, I've found that I need Trust for all of these to work.
I've become accustomed to a mostly solitary life. It's time I break out of it. At least I can trust myself to do that. I can also trust that I will make good decisions on the people I have surrounding me. There is a saying in my culture, La mierda se junta con mierda. In polite terms, it means that we are judged by who we associate with; if we associate with less than desirable people, it reflects on us. If we associate with desirable people, that also reflects on us. In my case, it is neither right nor wrong to trust people. It is a decision. Not everyone deserves to be trusted and some people deserve to be trusted more than others. It is my decision who I trust, no one else's. It is wrong to trust people based on what others say about them. It is right to trust them based on what I have to say about them. And if they care enough to change that, then they'll do something about it, now won't they?
The TL;DR version of these posts will be coming up later today!
RG
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
A Series of Thoughts on Morality: Part 4
Today's topic: Forgiveness. This one is a biggie like Loyalty. However, instead of its continued presence in my life, it is the absence of forgiveness in my life that has affected me more.
I will be defining two things, forgiveness and forgetfulness. Forgiveness is the act of excusing a mistake or offense. Forgetfulness is unawareness caused by neglectful or heedless failure to remember. For me, the two are forever connected. My fiance told me once, "you have the curse of remembering what everyone else would rather forget." What this implies is that I hold grudges, and he is right, I do.
I have held grudges for as long as I can remember. I do not know if it is an innate tendency I have or if it is a behavior I picked up from my family members. All I know is that I have this nasty habit of remembering the faults of people before I remember any of the good. In my upbringing, I was taught that forgiveness is a good thing, that it will free me, and that good people forgive. And as much as I nodded and said I agreed, I also thought, "Stupid people forgive too, and then they get walked on again." And when it came to being good and stupid or bad and smart, I chose the latter.
My experience with forgiveness has been this: the more heinous a deed (or multiple deeds) a person does, the less forgivable is it, to me. Said deed(s) is or are less forgivable if the person a) hurt me or people I care about, b) shows no remorse at all for pain or chaos they have caused, or c) both. This is not the case with everyone. I have found that a lot of people I associate with forgive things that I myself find unforgivable. Granted, I think of myself as someone who has a high threshold for people's behavior. There is a lot I will take from people I love and people I care about. But I also have a line that, once crossed, can never be crossed again. It appears to me that for all of the arguing and bitching that people I know do, I'm the only one who's drawn such a line.
And not only that, but people I know are disturbed by my line. They see it and say, "Well, you're not one to piss off," and depending on how much they care about getting to know me, they back off or get closer. In a way, this line has done me a lot of good. It has filtered out a lot of people I would have deemed unworthy of being close to me in the first place. But then I see the others. Like my words on loyalty, I am jealous of how easily they can forget pain. Of how they can let go of people's wrongs and keep marching along like nothing ever happened in spite of the elephant that is always in the room. Many times, I want to be like that, until they get hurt again. By the same thing they forgave. It is always the elephant in the room that gets them. And then I smile to myself. "Stupid people forgive too, and then they get walked on again."
Forgiveness, forgetfulness, a third F: Fear. Fear of being hurt more than I already have been. Fear that I am the least forgivable person of all, in spite of what good I do. Fear of forgetting. Fear of forgiving. I am too scared to forgive others entirely. Why should I? To do so is to trust them, and from what I have seen, those that are forgiven rarely earn the trust they lost back. The ones that do throw it away; they weren't worth it. They rarely are. So why forgive them, why give them a pass they don't deserve?
Because it's what I would want, isn't it? If I acted in a manner that would cause me to ask, nay, beg for forgiveness, I would want it, wouldn't I? I wouldn't want someone to say yes and then hate me through a crooked smile. I wouldn't want someone to deny it to me. If I was truly sorry, I would want forgiveness. The thing is, how can I trust when other people are truly sorry? How can I trust that there are people like me out there who mean what they say? How can I trust the words "I'll never do it again, I promise" from a mouth that doesn't know how to keep a promise? I can't; not without admitting that I am putting myself in a place where I am vulnerable and depending on people who've already proven themselves unworthy to try and gain my trust back. The fear kicks in. It tells me, "Don't be stupid."
Forgiveness has always existed outside of my morality scale. It has always been something unattainable. I've seen it as well-intentioned but dangerous when put in human hands. The people I've come across in past times don't really seek forgiveness so much as forgetfulness. They can live happily if they think people forget what they've done. I'm not one of those people because, try as I can, I don't forget things. Big and small, I remember all of it and no amount of denial or deflection is going to make me forget. Actually, I think I would be more forgiving if people didn't deny or deflect when it comes to things they've done. Those are just lies on top of everything, a shot in the foot, really.
I guess there I have it: I need to be able to trust the person who asks for my forgiveness. And, funny thing, I don't trust a lot of people these days. Especially people that have breached that trust before. And yes, forgiveness needs to be asked for. You don't just break something and expect everything to be ok, you actually have to repair what's broken.
Forgiveness is at its heart a good thing. I think I'll incorporate more of it in my life, in a way that won't make me regret trusting people, of course.
Speaking of which, next (and last) time: Trust.
RG
I will be defining two things, forgiveness and forgetfulness. Forgiveness is the act of excusing a mistake or offense. Forgetfulness is unawareness caused by neglectful or heedless failure to remember. For me, the two are forever connected. My fiance told me once, "you have the curse of remembering what everyone else would rather forget." What this implies is that I hold grudges, and he is right, I do.
I have held grudges for as long as I can remember. I do not know if it is an innate tendency I have or if it is a behavior I picked up from my family members. All I know is that I have this nasty habit of remembering the faults of people before I remember any of the good. In my upbringing, I was taught that forgiveness is a good thing, that it will free me, and that good people forgive. And as much as I nodded and said I agreed, I also thought, "Stupid people forgive too, and then they get walked on again." And when it came to being good and stupid or bad and smart, I chose the latter.
My experience with forgiveness has been this: the more heinous a deed (or multiple deeds) a person does, the less forgivable is it, to me. Said deed(s) is or are less forgivable if the person a) hurt me or people I care about, b) shows no remorse at all for pain or chaos they have caused, or c) both. This is not the case with everyone. I have found that a lot of people I associate with forgive things that I myself find unforgivable. Granted, I think of myself as someone who has a high threshold for people's behavior. There is a lot I will take from people I love and people I care about. But I also have a line that, once crossed, can never be crossed again. It appears to me that for all of the arguing and bitching that people I know do, I'm the only one who's drawn such a line.
And not only that, but people I know are disturbed by my line. They see it and say, "Well, you're not one to piss off," and depending on how much they care about getting to know me, they back off or get closer. In a way, this line has done me a lot of good. It has filtered out a lot of people I would have deemed unworthy of being close to me in the first place. But then I see the others. Like my words on loyalty, I am jealous of how easily they can forget pain. Of how they can let go of people's wrongs and keep marching along like nothing ever happened in spite of the elephant that is always in the room. Many times, I want to be like that, until they get hurt again. By the same thing they forgave. It is always the elephant in the room that gets them. And then I smile to myself. "Stupid people forgive too, and then they get walked on again."
Forgiveness, forgetfulness, a third F: Fear. Fear of being hurt more than I already have been. Fear that I am the least forgivable person of all, in spite of what good I do. Fear of forgetting. Fear of forgiving. I am too scared to forgive others entirely. Why should I? To do so is to trust them, and from what I have seen, those that are forgiven rarely earn the trust they lost back. The ones that do throw it away; they weren't worth it. They rarely are. So why forgive them, why give them a pass they don't deserve?
Because it's what I would want, isn't it? If I acted in a manner that would cause me to ask, nay, beg for forgiveness, I would want it, wouldn't I? I wouldn't want someone to say yes and then hate me through a crooked smile. I wouldn't want someone to deny it to me. If I was truly sorry, I would want forgiveness. The thing is, how can I trust when other people are truly sorry? How can I trust that there are people like me out there who mean what they say? How can I trust the words "I'll never do it again, I promise" from a mouth that doesn't know how to keep a promise? I can't; not without admitting that I am putting myself in a place where I am vulnerable and depending on people who've already proven themselves unworthy to try and gain my trust back. The fear kicks in. It tells me, "Don't be stupid."
Forgiveness has always existed outside of my morality scale. It has always been something unattainable. I've seen it as well-intentioned but dangerous when put in human hands. The people I've come across in past times don't really seek forgiveness so much as forgetfulness. They can live happily if they think people forget what they've done. I'm not one of those people because, try as I can, I don't forget things. Big and small, I remember all of it and no amount of denial or deflection is going to make me forget. Actually, I think I would be more forgiving if people didn't deny or deflect when it comes to things they've done. Those are just lies on top of everything, a shot in the foot, really.
I guess there I have it: I need to be able to trust the person who asks for my forgiveness. And, funny thing, I don't trust a lot of people these days. Especially people that have breached that trust before. And yes, forgiveness needs to be asked for. You don't just break something and expect everything to be ok, you actually have to repair what's broken.
Forgiveness is at its heart a good thing. I think I'll incorporate more of it in my life, in a way that won't make me regret trusting people, of course.
Speaking of which, next (and last) time: Trust.
RG
Saturday, July 2, 2011
A Series of Thoughts on Morality: Part 3
Today's topic: Loyalty. This is a big one for me, for a lot of different reasons. Because I have defined myself with this word in the past and as of now am letting it go.
Loyalty is defined as faithfulness or a devotion to a person, country, group, or cause. It is the idea that I will stick by something no matter what the consequences, good or bad. That once I am in, I am all in and that I will not falter. For as long as I can remember, loyalty has been an unquestionably good quality of mine. Whenever people called me loyal, I beamed. Loyalty was a badge of honor, a symbol of my pride. I wore it as often as I could with as many people and things as possible. Until the point in my life where I realized loyalty could have a dark, twisted form. A form that almost destroyed me.
The first issue I had with loyalty was my belief that no one else had it to the extent that I did. I remember being in middle school and sticking by the same group of people. Even when, as girls that age tend to do, they started backstabbing and abandoning me, I stood by them. Every tear that I cried fell with the belief that one day, they would come around. After all, I still believed in them and I never took any steps towards revenge. Why wouldn't they come back? Why would they keep hurting someone who was so loyal? Some of them did come around, and some did not. I stuck by the ones that did and chalked off the others as being "disloyal." They weren't worth being my friends anyway because they didn't believe in what I did; that being loyal was more important than boys or bands or clothes. And for a while, that belief did me good.
That belief finally popped between my final year of college and now. The belief I came across that shook my world was this: Sometimes, loyalty isn't worth the garbage you put up with. Middle school repeated itself for me. I fell out with one person and as a result, many people I was loyal to, people I cared about, could not be bothered to be loyal to me. They did this out of convenience, which by now I've established as more on the wrong side of the morality scale (for me anyway). Out of loyalty to them, I carried the burden of being the stubborn one, the unreasonable one, the one who was lost. Never mind that I was hurt, never mind that I needed help. It was inconvenient to help me, inconvenient to reach out. And yet... I was loyal to these people. The thought now makes me sick. It makes me angry that I cared about them, angry that I could be tossed aside. Like garbage, less than a human being.
Then I realized something. They didn't owe me anything. Loyalty to me was inconvenient. They didn't need to put up with my issues, so why should they? Why communicate with someone who had fallen when you could stay on the top as happy as a clam? Sure, when they needed something and it was convenient to them, they'd come around and ask for favors. But then they'd leave again once they got what they needed. I saw them, hurting, backstabbing, sniping at each other, and I felt jealous. That they could do all that and not lose their wits and emotions and status and sanity. That even though I did all I could to be as morally "right" as possible, all of these "wrong"-doers were far more privileged than I was. I hated them. But really? I wanted to be just like them. To be able to live without having to worry about the emotions and issues and lives of others. To hurt others without feeling any pain myself. To step on and squash others like bugs. To wield the power I once had more firmly than ever before. I wanted to burn them as much as they burned me, ten times hotter.
And just as quickly as it came, it subsided. I looked at what I wanted and saw just what I would have to become in order to attain it. And I didn't like it. But I no longer liked being loyal either. Not to the extent I once was. I decided that it was time to stop defining myself by this word. To let go of things I once held dear once I really measured them. Once I saw just what the benefits were. So much for sticking by something no matter what, eh?
In the end, I am still loyal to some people and things. Far fewer than I once was and think will ever be again. As far as I am concerned, the loyalty I once had is overrated. It felt good to be someone people could count on. But I want to be more than that. I want to be the one who makes you laugh. Or the one who throws sweet parties. Even the one who calls sometimes just to say hi and leave it at that. I don't want to be the one you scream at and takes it "because she has to or else she's a bad friend". Or the one you backstab because "she'll forgive you for it anyway". Or the one you snicker at when she's not around and fake a smile for because "I can get away with that when it comes to her". The one you pity for standing by something she really shouldn't. I am better than that; I know that now. Most of all, I want to be the one who is strong enough stand for herself, no other cause or person necessary. And I think, ironically, by letting my loyalty go, I can become that person.
Next time: Forgiveness
RG
Loyalty is defined as faithfulness or a devotion to a person, country, group, or cause. It is the idea that I will stick by something no matter what the consequences, good or bad. That once I am in, I am all in and that I will not falter. For as long as I can remember, loyalty has been an unquestionably good quality of mine. Whenever people called me loyal, I beamed. Loyalty was a badge of honor, a symbol of my pride. I wore it as often as I could with as many people and things as possible. Until the point in my life where I realized loyalty could have a dark, twisted form. A form that almost destroyed me.
The first issue I had with loyalty was my belief that no one else had it to the extent that I did. I remember being in middle school and sticking by the same group of people. Even when, as girls that age tend to do, they started backstabbing and abandoning me, I stood by them. Every tear that I cried fell with the belief that one day, they would come around. After all, I still believed in them and I never took any steps towards revenge. Why wouldn't they come back? Why would they keep hurting someone who was so loyal? Some of them did come around, and some did not. I stuck by the ones that did and chalked off the others as being "disloyal." They weren't worth being my friends anyway because they didn't believe in what I did; that being loyal was more important than boys or bands or clothes. And for a while, that belief did me good.
That belief finally popped between my final year of college and now. The belief I came across that shook my world was this: Sometimes, loyalty isn't worth the garbage you put up with. Middle school repeated itself for me. I fell out with one person and as a result, many people I was loyal to, people I cared about, could not be bothered to be loyal to me. They did this out of convenience, which by now I've established as more on the wrong side of the morality scale (for me anyway). Out of loyalty to them, I carried the burden of being the stubborn one, the unreasonable one, the one who was lost. Never mind that I was hurt, never mind that I needed help. It was inconvenient to help me, inconvenient to reach out. And yet... I was loyal to these people. The thought now makes me sick. It makes me angry that I cared about them, angry that I could be tossed aside. Like garbage, less than a human being.
Then I realized something. They didn't owe me anything. Loyalty to me was inconvenient. They didn't need to put up with my issues, so why should they? Why communicate with someone who had fallen when you could stay on the top as happy as a clam? Sure, when they needed something and it was convenient to them, they'd come around and ask for favors. But then they'd leave again once they got what they needed. I saw them, hurting, backstabbing, sniping at each other, and I felt jealous. That they could do all that and not lose their wits and emotions and status and sanity. That even though I did all I could to be as morally "right" as possible, all of these "wrong"-doers were far more privileged than I was. I hated them. But really? I wanted to be just like them. To be able to live without having to worry about the emotions and issues and lives of others. To hurt others without feeling any pain myself. To step on and squash others like bugs. To wield the power I once had more firmly than ever before. I wanted to burn them as much as they burned me, ten times hotter.
And just as quickly as it came, it subsided. I looked at what I wanted and saw just what I would have to become in order to attain it. And I didn't like it. But I no longer liked being loyal either. Not to the extent I once was. I decided that it was time to stop defining myself by this word. To let go of things I once held dear once I really measured them. Once I saw just what the benefits were. So much for sticking by something no matter what, eh?
In the end, I am still loyal to some people and things. Far fewer than I once was and think will ever be again. As far as I am concerned, the loyalty I once had is overrated. It felt good to be someone people could count on. But I want to be more than that. I want to be the one who makes you laugh. Or the one who throws sweet parties. Even the one who calls sometimes just to say hi and leave it at that. I don't want to be the one you scream at and takes it "because she has to or else she's a bad friend". Or the one you backstab because "she'll forgive you for it anyway". Or the one you snicker at when she's not around and fake a smile for because "I can get away with that when it comes to her". The one you pity for standing by something she really shouldn't. I am better than that; I know that now. Most of all, I want to be the one who is strong enough stand for herself, no other cause or person necessary. And I think, ironically, by letting my loyalty go, I can become that person.
Next time: Forgiveness
RG
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