So the world's ending tomorrow, apparently. Not quite sure what to make of that. On the one hand, people have been talking about the end of the world for as long as people have existed. As someone who was raised in a Catholic context, I've known that the world had ended before and come back multiple times. If God and humanity were in a Facebook relationship, it would be complicated. As someone who has grown from those roots and taken strides towards more pagan, human, reasonable beliefs, I doubt a "loving" deity would save the hateful and the hypocrites and leave good nonbelievers and "pariahs" to rot.
But on the off chance the world does end, I figured it would be fun to make some kind of note here regarding life as I have lived it so far. Here it goes.
I lived 24 years. Most of them were spent in obedience and servitude. I did not begin living a life of my own until I went to university. From ages 18 - 22, I learned what I wanted. From 23 - now, I got what I wanted. If the world ends tomorrow, I will be going out a free woman. When the day goes from May 21st to May 22nd, I will still be a free woman, one with the opportunity to keep growing as I have.
As far as I am concerned, I'm alive now and I will keep living as long as I have breath.
The apocalypse/rapture/nonsense won't stop me; it can't. :-P
RG
Friday, May 20, 2011
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Be Aggressive, B-E Aggressive
I've noticed a pattern forming in this reboot project that was definitely unexpected. As I've been rebuilding who I am, what I do, and where I'm going, I've noticed a stark pattern of aggression. This doesn't mean I've joined a Fight Club or dress up as a bat and fight crime at night, although both of those things would be interesting to try once. It's a different kind of aggression than that. The aggression I'm cultivating is one that is based on sticking up for myself and others.
Here's a story, kids: Once upon a time, I LOVED passive aggression. I could be angry at people without really being angry at people, you know? I'd put up cryptic statuses on Facebook, write gossipy notes on Livejournal, and all around be a tool towards people who angered me without really letting them know who they were and why I was angry. Recently, I realized just how much worse that is than being straight up with people. It was bad for them, because one day I was fine and the next not for reasons they almost always never understood. It was bad for me because I kept a lot of that anger to myself and let it fester. Then I killed my old friend, Goody-Goody. If you haven't read that entry, the gist of it is that I rid myself of the doormat aspect of my personality and am learning how to live more assertively and, yes, aggressively.
Now that I am living this more open life, the thing that hurts the most about it is seeing others who are stuck in the same trap I was once in. I see people afraid to tell other people "No" and "Stop" and "Treat me better." I see people resorting to passive aggression because they are either too scared to admit they are angry with someone or for more insidious, manipulative reasons (I.E. - I'm going to guilt this person for making me upset and then not tell them why. Brilliant!). Worst, I see people still have their Goodies telling them to bow down to others when they should hold their heads up high. Seeing these things makes my aggression flare right up. On the one hand, the people I do help and mentor when it comes to getting rid of their Goodies appreciate having someone who made it to this side helping them stick up for themselves. On the other hand, is it really my responsibility to be the hero for people, especially when I'm trying to piece my own self together at the same time?
Aggression is a dangerous addiction once one starts dabbling in it. Telling it how it is and dishing it to people who've made me feel worthless is very cathartic. But I can't let it run how I interact with people in general. Then I become this monster that thinks it's right all the time and challenges and belittles people. I don't want to be the bully. I've been on the other side of that, and to think of myself treating others that way makes me sick. But I am also not the doormat anymore. If this dog is kicked, she will bite back. That much I've made clear. The rest... well, I'm figuring that out.
RG
Here's a story, kids: Once upon a time, I LOVED passive aggression. I could be angry at people without really being angry at people, you know? I'd put up cryptic statuses on Facebook, write gossipy notes on Livejournal, and all around be a tool towards people who angered me without really letting them know who they were and why I was angry. Recently, I realized just how much worse that is than being straight up with people. It was bad for them, because one day I was fine and the next not for reasons they almost always never understood. It was bad for me because I kept a lot of that anger to myself and let it fester. Then I killed my old friend, Goody-Goody. If you haven't read that entry, the gist of it is that I rid myself of the doormat aspect of my personality and am learning how to live more assertively and, yes, aggressively.
Now that I am living this more open life, the thing that hurts the most about it is seeing others who are stuck in the same trap I was once in. I see people afraid to tell other people "No" and "Stop" and "Treat me better." I see people resorting to passive aggression because they are either too scared to admit they are angry with someone or for more insidious, manipulative reasons (I.E. - I'm going to guilt this person for making me upset and then not tell them why. Brilliant!). Worst, I see people still have their Goodies telling them to bow down to others when they should hold their heads up high. Seeing these things makes my aggression flare right up. On the one hand, the people I do help and mentor when it comes to getting rid of their Goodies appreciate having someone who made it to this side helping them stick up for themselves. On the other hand, is it really my responsibility to be the hero for people, especially when I'm trying to piece my own self together at the same time?
Aggression is a dangerous addiction once one starts dabbling in it. Telling it how it is and dishing it to people who've made me feel worthless is very cathartic. But I can't let it run how I interact with people in general. Then I become this monster that thinks it's right all the time and challenges and belittles people. I don't want to be the bully. I've been on the other side of that, and to think of myself treating others that way makes me sick. But I am also not the doormat anymore. If this dog is kicked, she will bite back. That much I've made clear. The rest... well, I'm figuring that out.
RG
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Decision-Making
In addition being a crisis magnet (more on that at a later point in time), I also seem to be a decision magnet. As in, when people don't know what to do or which path to go down, they tend to ask me to a) give them some guidance, b) help them make their decision for them, or c) make the decision for them anyway.
I can't say that making decisions has always been easy for me. I'm the kind of person that likes to mull things over. I think what people confuse for decision-making skills on my part are sticking skills. By sticking, I refer to sticking by a decision. Once I've decided something, that's it. I've done all my mulling, questioning, and pondering by that point. I can take ages to decide what is a path to pursue, but once I pursue it, I don't leave it. Blame it on the stubbornness, I suppose.
Honestly, I think people in general can make decisions just fine. It's the sticking that always gets people. Much earlier in this blog, I wrote about relationships. How people come to the decision that they need a partner, emotionally and physically, to be fulfilled. How often do people actually stick to that decision? There have been so many times where I see that decision made and regretted. I mean, it's one thing to regret a decision involving school, or work, or money, or any other non-feeling thing. Regretting a decision made about other human beings is kind of a big deal. I'm not saying never get into relationships or stick in them when they go sour. What I am saying is that deciding to get involved with people isn't something that should be taken lightly, either in the decision-making process or the relationship stage.
Before I get too off track, what I think attracts people to me in this aspect is the fact that I do stick by my decisions. This can be good many times, but not so much when I make unwise choices. There are plenty of things I have done that I have regretted, many paths than I have traveled that I probably should have turned back on. But then I wouldn't be where I am now had I not traveled them, and I'm not ok with that. I like who I am. I like most of the people I've met and most of the experiences I've had. I realize that I would not be where I am today if I kept flip-flopping on my choices. Every experience has been a learning moment for me, because I chose to learn. Had I decided no or maybe, I'd just keep going around in circles.
What I'm trying to say, I suppose, is that life is full of decisions we have to make. Many of us spend a lot of life trying to figure out what to do, to the point that by the time we've made a choice, we're dying. People like myself, who make decisions and work with them on a regular basis, are seen as rare, apparently. And folks are drawn to rare things. Drawn to things they want to have and things they want to accomplish.
And I guess that makes me lucky. :)
RG
I can't say that making decisions has always been easy for me. I'm the kind of person that likes to mull things over. I think what people confuse for decision-making skills on my part are sticking skills. By sticking, I refer to sticking by a decision. Once I've decided something, that's it. I've done all my mulling, questioning, and pondering by that point. I can take ages to decide what is a path to pursue, but once I pursue it, I don't leave it. Blame it on the stubbornness, I suppose.
Honestly, I think people in general can make decisions just fine. It's the sticking that always gets people. Much earlier in this blog, I wrote about relationships. How people come to the decision that they need a partner, emotionally and physically, to be fulfilled. How often do people actually stick to that decision? There have been so many times where I see that decision made and regretted. I mean, it's one thing to regret a decision involving school, or work, or money, or any other non-feeling thing. Regretting a decision made about other human beings is kind of a big deal. I'm not saying never get into relationships or stick in them when they go sour. What I am saying is that deciding to get involved with people isn't something that should be taken lightly, either in the decision-making process or the relationship stage.
Before I get too off track, what I think attracts people to me in this aspect is the fact that I do stick by my decisions. This can be good many times, but not so much when I make unwise choices. There are plenty of things I have done that I have regretted, many paths than I have traveled that I probably should have turned back on. But then I wouldn't be where I am now had I not traveled them, and I'm not ok with that. I like who I am. I like most of the people I've met and most of the experiences I've had. I realize that I would not be where I am today if I kept flip-flopping on my choices. Every experience has been a learning moment for me, because I chose to learn. Had I decided no or maybe, I'd just keep going around in circles.
What I'm trying to say, I suppose, is that life is full of decisions we have to make. Many of us spend a lot of life trying to figure out what to do, to the point that by the time we've made a choice, we're dying. People like myself, who make decisions and work with them on a regular basis, are seen as rare, apparently. And folks are drawn to rare things. Drawn to things they want to have and things they want to accomplish.
And I guess that makes me lucky. :)
RG
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)