I get at least one or two every day. Students see me at one end of the hall and they start running. They call my name. They throw their arms around me and squeeze in unbridled love and joy.
The smallest arms give me so much. The bright eyes and smile make every morning something to cherish. The satisfied bumps in their steps as they leave make my heart warm with happiness. Every day, I see more of the good in people because of my students. They don't come from privileged backgrounds, but they come from homes that know what love is. They share it openly, without shame or fear. Every day, they say they want to be me. I'm cool. I'm collected. I've got it together. I'm smart and I'm funny. And all they want to be my best friend.
Meanwhile, here I am, watching them and hoping that maybe, I can be a little more like them. So much goes through in those moments when they press up and express their affection and love through their bear hugs. To them, they're just telling a teacher "Hello!" This is what I see:
"Miss, I love you a lot! I don't hug just any teacher, you know. You're worth being hugged. You're worth missing when I don't have your class. You make me feel good about going to school. Thank you."
No, kids. Thank you.
RG
Friday, December 16, 2011
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Glory Days
Everybody has them. Times that we look back on through the rosiest-tinted glasses. Times that were perfect simply for existing. Times that we spend the rest of our lives trying to emulate because they were just that awesome. Everyone has glory days. The question is- who lives past them?
No one ever talks about how addictive the glory days are. One minute, you're on top of the world. Life is beautiful and perfect and nothing ever goes wrong. The next, for some inexplicable reason, you're down on your luck, lost in a harsh, new world with only that sweet, sweet memory of ages past. "Remember when life made sense?" it asks. "When you were the center of the universe and everyone loved you? Don't you want that back?" It's a drug. It's a trap. A way to keep me back when I should be moving forward. The worst part is the part I've most recently come to realize: the glory days are a lie.
They exist only to distract me. As a way to keep me from achieving my goals. Why? Because deep down, they don't want to be eclipsed by the future. How can life compare to the glory days if I never stray too far from them, right? Why bother going out into the unknown when I have all these happy memories right here? They seem like perfectly innocent questions at first, but then you really read into them. They're unhealthy, they're questions that promote stagnancy, not change. Questions that put me down with one uniting attitude, "The life you lead now is never going to compare to the life you led before."
Only that's not true.
I may not be 100% happy with the life I lead now. But I wasn't happy with the life I led then either. Not really, not when I take off the rose tinted glasses and see what was really there. No one is ever completely happy with the life they lead; if they say they are, part of them is lying or they're delusional. Any person that questions and thinks and rationalizes can always find something about themselves or the world around them that they want to change or that they're not happy about. It's human nature. It's who we are. We also tend to find ways to escape from the harsh realities of life. Some people use alcohol or drugs to get high. I use nostalgia. In any case, it's not healthy. Not when it's abused.
So I'm cutting back on the glory days. Taking it down a few doses. And living the life I have now. It won't always be mine, so best enjoy it while I can.
RG
No one ever talks about how addictive the glory days are. One minute, you're on top of the world. Life is beautiful and perfect and nothing ever goes wrong. The next, for some inexplicable reason, you're down on your luck, lost in a harsh, new world with only that sweet, sweet memory of ages past. "Remember when life made sense?" it asks. "When you were the center of the universe and everyone loved you? Don't you want that back?" It's a drug. It's a trap. A way to keep me back when I should be moving forward. The worst part is the part I've most recently come to realize: the glory days are a lie.
They exist only to distract me. As a way to keep me from achieving my goals. Why? Because deep down, they don't want to be eclipsed by the future. How can life compare to the glory days if I never stray too far from them, right? Why bother going out into the unknown when I have all these happy memories right here? They seem like perfectly innocent questions at first, but then you really read into them. They're unhealthy, they're questions that promote stagnancy, not change. Questions that put me down with one uniting attitude, "The life you lead now is never going to compare to the life you led before."
Only that's not true.
I may not be 100% happy with the life I lead now. But I wasn't happy with the life I led then either. Not really, not when I take off the rose tinted glasses and see what was really there. No one is ever completely happy with the life they lead; if they say they are, part of them is lying or they're delusional. Any person that questions and thinks and rationalizes can always find something about themselves or the world around them that they want to change or that they're not happy about. It's human nature. It's who we are. We also tend to find ways to escape from the harsh realities of life. Some people use alcohol or drugs to get high. I use nostalgia. In any case, it's not healthy. Not when it's abused.
So I'm cutting back on the glory days. Taking it down a few doses. And living the life I have now. It won't always be mine, so best enjoy it while I can.
RG
Friday, October 21, 2011
Exorcism
Be gone, Spectre.
No longer will you haunt my decisions or shade my perception with your twisted words and mind games. No longer will I hear your voice telling me how worthless I am. No longer will I give even the most fleeting of thoughts to you. As of today, I am fully free of your influence. As far I'm concerned, you can't hurt someone who doesn't believe in you anymore.
May you one day find peace in the life you have chosen to lead. May those you come across be strong enough to survive you. And may those who are not find the comfort and strength to move on. Let no other be haunted by you, ever again. You're not worth the pain.
RG
No longer will you haunt my decisions or shade my perception with your twisted words and mind games. No longer will I hear your voice telling me how worthless I am. No longer will I give even the most fleeting of thoughts to you. As of today, I am fully free of your influence. As far I'm concerned, you can't hurt someone who doesn't believe in you anymore.
May you one day find peace in the life you have chosen to lead. May those you come across be strong enough to survive you. And may those who are not find the comfort and strength to move on. Let no other be haunted by you, ever again. You're not worth the pain.
RG
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
September Update
I've been working my job for the past few weeks. I love it. I love where I go. The kids I work with. The faculty and admins. The support staff. For the first time in my career, I feel as if I am in a long-term position.
I've been being very social as of late and it's making me feel confident in who I am. I like spending time with all kinds of people, close friends and acquaintances. The loneliness that was eating away at me for the longest time is vanishing. The best way to describe how I'm feeling at the moment is that I'm taking a big, deep breath after being underwater for years.
And it feels awesome!
RG
I've been being very social as of late and it's making me feel confident in who I am. I like spending time with all kinds of people, close friends and acquaintances. The loneliness that was eating away at me for the longest time is vanishing. The best way to describe how I'm feeling at the moment is that I'm taking a big, deep breath after being underwater for years.
And it feels awesome!
RG
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Obla Di, Obla Da
Now that my career seems to be settled, on to my next project.
Operation Phoenix!
Mission: Become the most social of butterflies. Trim and maintain my friendship and relationship trees until they look pretty enough to keep. Hold and attend parties and gatherings for myself and for others, just because. Become the person I've always wanted to be without giving up who I already am.
Ultimate Goal: Become a person people have fun with and depend on, not just one or the other.
Timespan: Begin this fall, run a maintenance check every three - four months.
It's go time!
RG
Operation Phoenix!
Mission: Become the most social of butterflies. Trim and maintain my friendship and relationship trees until they look pretty enough to keep. Hold and attend parties and gatherings for myself and for others, just because. Become the person I've always wanted to be without giving up who I already am.
Ultimate Goal: Become a person people have fun with and depend on, not just one or the other.
Timespan: Begin this fall, run a maintenance check every three - four months.
It's go time!
RG
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
One Year Later
Next month will be the first birthday of this blog. Since this blog's creation much has changed, as the case usually is with me. The biggest thing is what prompted me to write this blog in the first place.
This time last year, I was terrified. I was assessing what the prior year had done to me financially, mentally, and emotionally and did not like the results. I was struggling with what was possibly the biggest failure I had ever encountered and to be completely honest, I wasn't handling it well at all. Sure I'd failed before in life, but never on such a large scale. I was always "The Smart One," "The One Who Knew it All," "The One Who Had it All Figured Out." My identity was based on these ideas, and when they broke, so did my sense of self.
But hey, what's life without a few shake-ups now and then?
I couldn't mope forever, nor did I want to. So I found a new job. It wasn't much, a few hours here and there, but it was enough to convince me that giving up this career would have been a huge mistake. I went back to school and pulled off an A-average (how's that for confidence boosting?). And, finally, I started mending myself and my ideas. I got rid of what was unhealthy for the most part and started seeing life in a new light.
This blog hasn't finished serving its purpose. I doubt this will be the last time I fail or freak out. It also won't be the last time I pick myself up and keep moseying. If anything, I'm looking forward to what new adventures this year will bring, and write down as many of them as possible right here.
RG
This time last year, I was terrified. I was assessing what the prior year had done to me financially, mentally, and emotionally and did not like the results. I was struggling with what was possibly the biggest failure I had ever encountered and to be completely honest, I wasn't handling it well at all. Sure I'd failed before in life, but never on such a large scale. I was always "The Smart One," "The One Who Knew it All," "The One Who Had it All Figured Out." My identity was based on these ideas, and when they broke, so did my sense of self.
But hey, what's life without a few shake-ups now and then?
I couldn't mope forever, nor did I want to. So I found a new job. It wasn't much, a few hours here and there, but it was enough to convince me that giving up this career would have been a huge mistake. I went back to school and pulled off an A-average (how's that for confidence boosting?). And, finally, I started mending myself and my ideas. I got rid of what was unhealthy for the most part and started seeing life in a new light.
This blog hasn't finished serving its purpose. I doubt this will be the last time I fail or freak out. It also won't be the last time I pick myself up and keep moseying. If anything, I'm looking forward to what new adventures this year will bring, and write down as many of them as possible right here.
RG
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Achievement Unlocked
After months of deliberating and mulling over different scenarios, I made an important decision: I left my job. It was a wonderful place where I learned a lot about how to teach and how to work with students, but I came to the realization that to keep working there would have meant that I would have to remain stagnant. I could not move or live on my own. I would be chained to a company that sent me to various schools that would be happy to use me but not so happy to pay me.
That said, I ended up accepting an offer from another school. Not a company, a school. A place of learning, not business. And I could not be more excited! This will be my first time back in a school first time since the experience that dragged me down. I will be taking all I learned this past year and applying it as I work in one of the most challenging and dynamic school systems in the state.
I'll let you know how that works out. :D
RG
That said, I ended up accepting an offer from another school. Not a company, a school. A place of learning, not business. And I could not be more excited! This will be my first time back in a school first time since the experience that dragged me down. I will be taking all I learned this past year and applying it as I work in one of the most challenging and dynamic school systems in the state.
I'll let you know how that works out. :D
RG
Thursday, July 7, 2011
A Series of Thoughts on Morality: The Summary
I ended up writing about five different things that I once respected as someone who is (or was) "moral". A moral person is defined as someone who "conforms to a standard of right behavior." For me, the facets of these behavior I am am most concerned with fall under five themes: Convenience, Tolerance vs. Acceptance, Loyalty, Forgiveness, and Trust. By analyzing each theme, I have come to the following conclusions:
1) My morality has changed. Very much. I wasn't ok with it until I looked at how much changed and why. Now that I know what I'm dealing with, I think I'll be able to handle it just fine.
2) On my brand new Morality Scale, these subjects fall within the following categories- Negative, Neutral, or Positive. Negative aspects are things I'm trying to get rid of. Neutral aspects are things I am going to have to deal with, like it or not, so I use them with a grain of salt. Positive aspects are things I want to include more of. There is no more Right or Wrong, just Positive, Neutral, and Negative.
3) Convenience is an overwhelmingly Negative aspect. In the past, when I have done things out of convenience for myself or others, those things have never worked out. Convenience when put into the context of human relationships and feelings is not a good thing at all and is to be avoided as much as possible.
4) Tolerance is Negative in the sense that it is a "convenient" form of the Positive Acceptance. Tolerance can be a good thing when used sparingly and with an open mind with the intent of positive change and growth. On the whole, people should not be tolerated, they should be accepted. In the case that I come across people that I cannot accept as they are (people who have not earned my trust or, worse, breached it or have hurt either myself or people I care for), then I will tolerate with the intent of acceptance or, in the worst case scenario, cut off contact until acceptance is a viable pathway, if it ever is. I do not need to tolerate disrespectful or malicious behavior from people, nor do I need to accept it.
5) Loyalty is overrated. There is no point in being loyal to a fault. Loyalty to abuse or an abuser is not healthy for anyone. That being said, loyalty has a place in close bonds. Not so much in superficial bonds. The most important loyalty one can have is the loyalty to oneself above all other things. Once we start betraying who were are and what we believe in, it all starts going downhill. Loyalty is Neutral.
6) Forgiveness is a Positive ideal I'm going to strive for. However, forgiveness is only meant to be reached when there has been an offense made by a close -ship. Superficial -ships can get away with more because of their nature. Deep -ships call for apologies and forgiveness when a party has been "wronged". Additionally, forgiveness has to be earned. And sincere. On both sides.
7) Trust is reserved only for the worthy. In order to trust someone, I need to know who they are and accept them for who they are. I need to stay on my guard. Not know them through other people or rumors. Not let my guard down until I am 100% sure I know exactly who this person is and, once I do, I need to actually like them too. If a person betrays that trust, then I will either Cut Ties or Forgive and Accept depending on the situation. As I mentioned in part five, some things are unforgivable to me. In no part of this did I say the trust would be regained immediately. Once my trust is gone, it needs to be worked for again. This is not a challenge for those looking for something convenient. Trust is Neutral.
I guess I can call these my new commandments. I have come to them after more than a few experiences on the front lines of social wars. There were some good and bad moments there, but I learned from them all. And that is what matters the most; that I grew and that I can come out of these experiences a stronger, wiser woman.
RG
1) My morality has changed. Very much. I wasn't ok with it until I looked at how much changed and why. Now that I know what I'm dealing with, I think I'll be able to handle it just fine.
2) On my brand new Morality Scale, these subjects fall within the following categories- Negative, Neutral, or Positive. Negative aspects are things I'm trying to get rid of. Neutral aspects are things I am going to have to deal with, like it or not, so I use them with a grain of salt. Positive aspects are things I want to include more of. There is no more Right or Wrong, just Positive, Neutral, and Negative.
3) Convenience is an overwhelmingly Negative aspect. In the past, when I have done things out of convenience for myself or others, those things have never worked out. Convenience when put into the context of human relationships and feelings is not a good thing at all and is to be avoided as much as possible.
4) Tolerance is Negative in the sense that it is a "convenient" form of the Positive Acceptance. Tolerance can be a good thing when used sparingly and with an open mind with the intent of positive change and growth. On the whole, people should not be tolerated, they should be accepted. In the case that I come across people that I cannot accept as they are (people who have not earned my trust or, worse, breached it or have hurt either myself or people I care for), then I will tolerate with the intent of acceptance or, in the worst case scenario, cut off contact until acceptance is a viable pathway, if it ever is. I do not need to tolerate disrespectful or malicious behavior from people, nor do I need to accept it.
5) Loyalty is overrated. There is no point in being loyal to a fault. Loyalty to abuse or an abuser is not healthy for anyone. That being said, loyalty has a place in close bonds. Not so much in superficial bonds. The most important loyalty one can have is the loyalty to oneself above all other things. Once we start betraying who were are and what we believe in, it all starts going downhill. Loyalty is Neutral.
6) Forgiveness is a Positive ideal I'm going to strive for. However, forgiveness is only meant to be reached when there has been an offense made by a close -ship. Superficial -ships can get away with more because of their nature. Deep -ships call for apologies and forgiveness when a party has been "wronged". Additionally, forgiveness has to be earned. And sincere. On both sides.
7) Trust is reserved only for the worthy. In order to trust someone, I need to know who they are and accept them for who they are. I need to stay on my guard. Not know them through other people or rumors. Not let my guard down until I am 100% sure I know exactly who this person is and, once I do, I need to actually like them too. If a person betrays that trust, then I will either Cut Ties or Forgive and Accept depending on the situation. As I mentioned in part five, some things are unforgivable to me. In no part of this did I say the trust would be regained immediately. Once my trust is gone, it needs to be worked for again. This is not a challenge for those looking for something convenient. Trust is Neutral.
I guess I can call these my new commandments. I have come to them after more than a few experiences on the front lines of social wars. There were some good and bad moments there, but I learned from them all. And that is what matters the most; that I grew and that I can come out of these experiences a stronger, wiser woman.
RG
A Series of Thoughts on Morality: Part 5
Today's topic: Trust. Possibly the most discussed topic in the history of humankind ever. Trust is something that all people want to have but rarely possess. It's so important that there's even a specific sin in many world religions that hinges on breaking one's Trust: betrayal. In Dante's Inferno, it's not the murderers or lustful or greedy who end up in the darkest depths of Hell. It's the traitors. That's how important Trust is to people.
For the record, Trust is defined as the reliance on and confidence in the truth, worth, reliability, etc, of a person or thing; faith. Trust is one of those intangible things like love or courage or loyalty. People have an idea of what trust is but can't physically share it with a another person. Trust is also one of the BIGGEST gambles a person can take. When a person trusts another person or a thing, they are putting their faith and belief in that person/thing. They are pretty much assuming that what they believe in will come through for them, that simply by believing, everything will turn out as they desire or plan.
Except when everything doesn't. At all.
As nice as Trust is, it's dangerous. It's dangerous because people are notoriously unreliable. I didn't grow up in an environment where Trust was an important virtue. I grew up in a home where convenience was important. We told each other things depending on whether or not they would make our lives easier, not on whether or not they were necessarily true. Needless to say, this is not the best environment for someone to develop any trusting skills. My experience with Trust was "Trust only your family." Keep in mind, this is flawed logic because I am essentially trusting people who don't tell the truth. People that I see lie with my own eyes, people who weren't trustworthy at all. So, therefore, Trust to me was meaningless for a long time. What was the point of trusting strangers when I knew my own family didn't tell the truth?
Then, something wonderful happened to me. I went to college. I got out of the family I was brought up in and was immersed in a world of diverse peoples and experiences. I fell in love. I found someone that, in spite of all the complaints and past experiences I could muster, I trusted entirely. And it took me five years to be ok with that. Five years of learning that I can trust that someone won't hurt me, that someone will be there for me when I need them. I learned that opening myself up to that Trust was a wonderful thing. But it also came with a price.
By starting to trust him, I started to trust people he trusted. And to be completely honest, his Trust was misplaced. I trusted people for him and was hurt. And in those five years, my Trust for him was battling my skepticism of everyone else. There were many days where I would look at myself and him and think "Is he worth my heart; should I keep trusting him?" There were also just as many days where I said, "Yes, he is." In the battle of Skepticism and Trust when it came to him, Trust won. In the battle for everyone else, Skepticism won.
I do not regret the good things that came from -ships that have since ended due to breaches of Trust. I do not regret the fact that it took losing my newfound Trust in people in order to gain unshakeable Trust in my fiance. I do not know if I will be able to trust anyone the way I trust him, but then again, I'm not really sure I want to. Trust seems to be given too freely among people I know. I've seen it be given to people that are obviously untrustworthy only to have those who gave it betrayed and broken. I've been in that situation. It's not a happy one.
In my morality, I see Trust as neutral where most people would see it as good. A relationship that is meaningful and good has to have Trust. I cannot accept things I do not Trust. I can tolerate them, but I can't accept them until I trust that they are, in fact, what they say they are. Not what they want or plan to be, what they are. However, who is to say that I need to accept every thing and every person I come across? Why should I? Shouldn't Trust be earned, gained by someone who makes the effort to get it? I think Trust that is handed out blindly is stupid. Trust that is gained through positive growth and experience is good.
Trust can be also be terrible. Trusting people or things that have not properly earned Trust can be disastrous. Trusting people because "other people trust them" is also ridiculous. Everyone has a different dynamic on which relationships work. I learned that the hard way with my fiance. He accepted things I could barely tolerate and vice versa. Additionally, people are stupid for the most part. They are willing to put their faith in things that are convenient, shiny, and pretty, but not necessarily true. They're also the first to decry anything that shines a light on their illusions, no matter how bright that light shines. The only thing that can wake these people up are the things they trust, and that's through betrayal. And even then, most people will choose a convenient lie over an inconvenient truth. A stagnant situation over a scary, world-shaking change.
Trust is not something that should be impossible to give to people, but it shouldn't be handed out like Halloween candy either. When done well, Trust can be a beautiful thing. Unfortunately, I'm one of those people who hasn't seen trust done well that often. It wasn't until I fell in love that I thought Trust could be done well at all. And even with love, I have noticed that effort plays a huge part in gaining Trust. If a person can't be bothered to try to gain my Trust, then they have no right to be mad that I don't trust them. If I'm too difficult for people to get to know, there are plenty of shallow, non-haunted people out there for them to play with and hurt. People come to me because they sense something about me. I can't say what it is, because it's been different for everyone. Sometimes it's a kindred spirit. Other times a guide or a mentor, or someone to guide or mentor. Even a friend or friendly acquaintance. In reviewing my beliefs, I've found that I need Trust for all of these to work.
I've become accustomed to a mostly solitary life. It's time I break out of it. At least I can trust myself to do that. I can also trust that I will make good decisions on the people I have surrounding me. There is a saying in my culture, La mierda se junta con mierda. In polite terms, it means that we are judged by who we associate with; if we associate with less than desirable people, it reflects on us. If we associate with desirable people, that also reflects on us. In my case, it is neither right nor wrong to trust people. It is a decision. Not everyone deserves to be trusted and some people deserve to be trusted more than others. It is my decision who I trust, no one else's. It is wrong to trust people based on what others say about them. It is right to trust them based on what I have to say about them. And if they care enough to change that, then they'll do something about it, now won't they?
The TL;DR version of these posts will be coming up later today!
RG
For the record, Trust is defined as the reliance on and confidence in the truth, worth, reliability, etc, of a person or thing; faith. Trust is one of those intangible things like love or courage or loyalty. People have an idea of what trust is but can't physically share it with a another person. Trust is also one of the BIGGEST gambles a person can take. When a person trusts another person or a thing, they are putting their faith and belief in that person/thing. They are pretty much assuming that what they believe in will come through for them, that simply by believing, everything will turn out as they desire or plan.
Except when everything doesn't. At all.
As nice as Trust is, it's dangerous. It's dangerous because people are notoriously unreliable. I didn't grow up in an environment where Trust was an important virtue. I grew up in a home where convenience was important. We told each other things depending on whether or not they would make our lives easier, not on whether or not they were necessarily true. Needless to say, this is not the best environment for someone to develop any trusting skills. My experience with Trust was "Trust only your family." Keep in mind, this is flawed logic because I am essentially trusting people who don't tell the truth. People that I see lie with my own eyes, people who weren't trustworthy at all. So, therefore, Trust to me was meaningless for a long time. What was the point of trusting strangers when I knew my own family didn't tell the truth?
Then, something wonderful happened to me. I went to college. I got out of the family I was brought up in and was immersed in a world of diverse peoples and experiences. I fell in love. I found someone that, in spite of all the complaints and past experiences I could muster, I trusted entirely. And it took me five years to be ok with that. Five years of learning that I can trust that someone won't hurt me, that someone will be there for me when I need them. I learned that opening myself up to that Trust was a wonderful thing. But it also came with a price.
By starting to trust him, I started to trust people he trusted. And to be completely honest, his Trust was misplaced. I trusted people for him and was hurt. And in those five years, my Trust for him was battling my skepticism of everyone else. There were many days where I would look at myself and him and think "Is he worth my heart; should I keep trusting him?" There were also just as many days where I said, "Yes, he is." In the battle of Skepticism and Trust when it came to him, Trust won. In the battle for everyone else, Skepticism won.
I do not regret the good things that came from -ships that have since ended due to breaches of Trust. I do not regret the fact that it took losing my newfound Trust in people in order to gain unshakeable Trust in my fiance. I do not know if I will be able to trust anyone the way I trust him, but then again, I'm not really sure I want to. Trust seems to be given too freely among people I know. I've seen it be given to people that are obviously untrustworthy only to have those who gave it betrayed and broken. I've been in that situation. It's not a happy one.
In my morality, I see Trust as neutral where most people would see it as good. A relationship that is meaningful and good has to have Trust. I cannot accept things I do not Trust. I can tolerate them, but I can't accept them until I trust that they are, in fact, what they say they are. Not what they want or plan to be, what they are. However, who is to say that I need to accept every thing and every person I come across? Why should I? Shouldn't Trust be earned, gained by someone who makes the effort to get it? I think Trust that is handed out blindly is stupid. Trust that is gained through positive growth and experience is good.
Trust can be also be terrible. Trusting people or things that have not properly earned Trust can be disastrous. Trusting people because "other people trust them" is also ridiculous. Everyone has a different dynamic on which relationships work. I learned that the hard way with my fiance. He accepted things I could barely tolerate and vice versa. Additionally, people are stupid for the most part. They are willing to put their faith in things that are convenient, shiny, and pretty, but not necessarily true. They're also the first to decry anything that shines a light on their illusions, no matter how bright that light shines. The only thing that can wake these people up are the things they trust, and that's through betrayal. And even then, most people will choose a convenient lie over an inconvenient truth. A stagnant situation over a scary, world-shaking change.
Trust is not something that should be impossible to give to people, but it shouldn't be handed out like Halloween candy either. When done well, Trust can be a beautiful thing. Unfortunately, I'm one of those people who hasn't seen trust done well that often. It wasn't until I fell in love that I thought Trust could be done well at all. And even with love, I have noticed that effort plays a huge part in gaining Trust. If a person can't be bothered to try to gain my Trust, then they have no right to be mad that I don't trust them. If I'm too difficult for people to get to know, there are plenty of shallow, non-haunted people out there for them to play with and hurt. People come to me because they sense something about me. I can't say what it is, because it's been different for everyone. Sometimes it's a kindred spirit. Other times a guide or a mentor, or someone to guide or mentor. Even a friend or friendly acquaintance. In reviewing my beliefs, I've found that I need Trust for all of these to work.
I've become accustomed to a mostly solitary life. It's time I break out of it. At least I can trust myself to do that. I can also trust that I will make good decisions on the people I have surrounding me. There is a saying in my culture, La mierda se junta con mierda. In polite terms, it means that we are judged by who we associate with; if we associate with less than desirable people, it reflects on us. If we associate with desirable people, that also reflects on us. In my case, it is neither right nor wrong to trust people. It is a decision. Not everyone deserves to be trusted and some people deserve to be trusted more than others. It is my decision who I trust, no one else's. It is wrong to trust people based on what others say about them. It is right to trust them based on what I have to say about them. And if they care enough to change that, then they'll do something about it, now won't they?
The TL;DR version of these posts will be coming up later today!
RG
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
A Series of Thoughts on Morality: Part 4
Today's topic: Forgiveness. This one is a biggie like Loyalty. However, instead of its continued presence in my life, it is the absence of forgiveness in my life that has affected me more.
I will be defining two things, forgiveness and forgetfulness. Forgiveness is the act of excusing a mistake or offense. Forgetfulness is unawareness caused by neglectful or heedless failure to remember. For me, the two are forever connected. My fiance told me once, "you have the curse of remembering what everyone else would rather forget." What this implies is that I hold grudges, and he is right, I do.
I have held grudges for as long as I can remember. I do not know if it is an innate tendency I have or if it is a behavior I picked up from my family members. All I know is that I have this nasty habit of remembering the faults of people before I remember any of the good. In my upbringing, I was taught that forgiveness is a good thing, that it will free me, and that good people forgive. And as much as I nodded and said I agreed, I also thought, "Stupid people forgive too, and then they get walked on again." And when it came to being good and stupid or bad and smart, I chose the latter.
My experience with forgiveness has been this: the more heinous a deed (or multiple deeds) a person does, the less forgivable is it, to me. Said deed(s) is or are less forgivable if the person a) hurt me or people I care about, b) shows no remorse at all for pain or chaos they have caused, or c) both. This is not the case with everyone. I have found that a lot of people I associate with forgive things that I myself find unforgivable. Granted, I think of myself as someone who has a high threshold for people's behavior. There is a lot I will take from people I love and people I care about. But I also have a line that, once crossed, can never be crossed again. It appears to me that for all of the arguing and bitching that people I know do, I'm the only one who's drawn such a line.
And not only that, but people I know are disturbed by my line. They see it and say, "Well, you're not one to piss off," and depending on how much they care about getting to know me, they back off or get closer. In a way, this line has done me a lot of good. It has filtered out a lot of people I would have deemed unworthy of being close to me in the first place. But then I see the others. Like my words on loyalty, I am jealous of how easily they can forget pain. Of how they can let go of people's wrongs and keep marching along like nothing ever happened in spite of the elephant that is always in the room. Many times, I want to be like that, until they get hurt again. By the same thing they forgave. It is always the elephant in the room that gets them. And then I smile to myself. "Stupid people forgive too, and then they get walked on again."
Forgiveness, forgetfulness, a third F: Fear. Fear of being hurt more than I already have been. Fear that I am the least forgivable person of all, in spite of what good I do. Fear of forgetting. Fear of forgiving. I am too scared to forgive others entirely. Why should I? To do so is to trust them, and from what I have seen, those that are forgiven rarely earn the trust they lost back. The ones that do throw it away; they weren't worth it. They rarely are. So why forgive them, why give them a pass they don't deserve?
Because it's what I would want, isn't it? If I acted in a manner that would cause me to ask, nay, beg for forgiveness, I would want it, wouldn't I? I wouldn't want someone to say yes and then hate me through a crooked smile. I wouldn't want someone to deny it to me. If I was truly sorry, I would want forgiveness. The thing is, how can I trust when other people are truly sorry? How can I trust that there are people like me out there who mean what they say? How can I trust the words "I'll never do it again, I promise" from a mouth that doesn't know how to keep a promise? I can't; not without admitting that I am putting myself in a place where I am vulnerable and depending on people who've already proven themselves unworthy to try and gain my trust back. The fear kicks in. It tells me, "Don't be stupid."
Forgiveness has always existed outside of my morality scale. It has always been something unattainable. I've seen it as well-intentioned but dangerous when put in human hands. The people I've come across in past times don't really seek forgiveness so much as forgetfulness. They can live happily if they think people forget what they've done. I'm not one of those people because, try as I can, I don't forget things. Big and small, I remember all of it and no amount of denial or deflection is going to make me forget. Actually, I think I would be more forgiving if people didn't deny or deflect when it comes to things they've done. Those are just lies on top of everything, a shot in the foot, really.
I guess there I have it: I need to be able to trust the person who asks for my forgiveness. And, funny thing, I don't trust a lot of people these days. Especially people that have breached that trust before. And yes, forgiveness needs to be asked for. You don't just break something and expect everything to be ok, you actually have to repair what's broken.
Forgiveness is at its heart a good thing. I think I'll incorporate more of it in my life, in a way that won't make me regret trusting people, of course.
Speaking of which, next (and last) time: Trust.
RG
I will be defining two things, forgiveness and forgetfulness. Forgiveness is the act of excusing a mistake or offense. Forgetfulness is unawareness caused by neglectful or heedless failure to remember. For me, the two are forever connected. My fiance told me once, "you have the curse of remembering what everyone else would rather forget." What this implies is that I hold grudges, and he is right, I do.
I have held grudges for as long as I can remember. I do not know if it is an innate tendency I have or if it is a behavior I picked up from my family members. All I know is that I have this nasty habit of remembering the faults of people before I remember any of the good. In my upbringing, I was taught that forgiveness is a good thing, that it will free me, and that good people forgive. And as much as I nodded and said I agreed, I also thought, "Stupid people forgive too, and then they get walked on again." And when it came to being good and stupid or bad and smart, I chose the latter.
My experience with forgiveness has been this: the more heinous a deed (or multiple deeds) a person does, the less forgivable is it, to me. Said deed(s) is or are less forgivable if the person a) hurt me or people I care about, b) shows no remorse at all for pain or chaos they have caused, or c) both. This is not the case with everyone. I have found that a lot of people I associate with forgive things that I myself find unforgivable. Granted, I think of myself as someone who has a high threshold for people's behavior. There is a lot I will take from people I love and people I care about. But I also have a line that, once crossed, can never be crossed again. It appears to me that for all of the arguing and bitching that people I know do, I'm the only one who's drawn such a line.
And not only that, but people I know are disturbed by my line. They see it and say, "Well, you're not one to piss off," and depending on how much they care about getting to know me, they back off or get closer. In a way, this line has done me a lot of good. It has filtered out a lot of people I would have deemed unworthy of being close to me in the first place. But then I see the others. Like my words on loyalty, I am jealous of how easily they can forget pain. Of how they can let go of people's wrongs and keep marching along like nothing ever happened in spite of the elephant that is always in the room. Many times, I want to be like that, until they get hurt again. By the same thing they forgave. It is always the elephant in the room that gets them. And then I smile to myself. "Stupid people forgive too, and then they get walked on again."
Forgiveness, forgetfulness, a third F: Fear. Fear of being hurt more than I already have been. Fear that I am the least forgivable person of all, in spite of what good I do. Fear of forgetting. Fear of forgiving. I am too scared to forgive others entirely. Why should I? To do so is to trust them, and from what I have seen, those that are forgiven rarely earn the trust they lost back. The ones that do throw it away; they weren't worth it. They rarely are. So why forgive them, why give them a pass they don't deserve?
Because it's what I would want, isn't it? If I acted in a manner that would cause me to ask, nay, beg for forgiveness, I would want it, wouldn't I? I wouldn't want someone to say yes and then hate me through a crooked smile. I wouldn't want someone to deny it to me. If I was truly sorry, I would want forgiveness. The thing is, how can I trust when other people are truly sorry? How can I trust that there are people like me out there who mean what they say? How can I trust the words "I'll never do it again, I promise" from a mouth that doesn't know how to keep a promise? I can't; not without admitting that I am putting myself in a place where I am vulnerable and depending on people who've already proven themselves unworthy to try and gain my trust back. The fear kicks in. It tells me, "Don't be stupid."
Forgiveness has always existed outside of my morality scale. It has always been something unattainable. I've seen it as well-intentioned but dangerous when put in human hands. The people I've come across in past times don't really seek forgiveness so much as forgetfulness. They can live happily if they think people forget what they've done. I'm not one of those people because, try as I can, I don't forget things. Big and small, I remember all of it and no amount of denial or deflection is going to make me forget. Actually, I think I would be more forgiving if people didn't deny or deflect when it comes to things they've done. Those are just lies on top of everything, a shot in the foot, really.
I guess there I have it: I need to be able to trust the person who asks for my forgiveness. And, funny thing, I don't trust a lot of people these days. Especially people that have breached that trust before. And yes, forgiveness needs to be asked for. You don't just break something and expect everything to be ok, you actually have to repair what's broken.
Forgiveness is at its heart a good thing. I think I'll incorporate more of it in my life, in a way that won't make me regret trusting people, of course.
Speaking of which, next (and last) time: Trust.
RG
Saturday, July 2, 2011
A Series of Thoughts on Morality: Part 3
Today's topic: Loyalty. This is a big one for me, for a lot of different reasons. Because I have defined myself with this word in the past and as of now am letting it go.
Loyalty is defined as faithfulness or a devotion to a person, country, group, or cause. It is the idea that I will stick by something no matter what the consequences, good or bad. That once I am in, I am all in and that I will not falter. For as long as I can remember, loyalty has been an unquestionably good quality of mine. Whenever people called me loyal, I beamed. Loyalty was a badge of honor, a symbol of my pride. I wore it as often as I could with as many people and things as possible. Until the point in my life where I realized loyalty could have a dark, twisted form. A form that almost destroyed me.
The first issue I had with loyalty was my belief that no one else had it to the extent that I did. I remember being in middle school and sticking by the same group of people. Even when, as girls that age tend to do, they started backstabbing and abandoning me, I stood by them. Every tear that I cried fell with the belief that one day, they would come around. After all, I still believed in them and I never took any steps towards revenge. Why wouldn't they come back? Why would they keep hurting someone who was so loyal? Some of them did come around, and some did not. I stuck by the ones that did and chalked off the others as being "disloyal." They weren't worth being my friends anyway because they didn't believe in what I did; that being loyal was more important than boys or bands or clothes. And for a while, that belief did me good.
That belief finally popped between my final year of college and now. The belief I came across that shook my world was this: Sometimes, loyalty isn't worth the garbage you put up with. Middle school repeated itself for me. I fell out with one person and as a result, many people I was loyal to, people I cared about, could not be bothered to be loyal to me. They did this out of convenience, which by now I've established as more on the wrong side of the morality scale (for me anyway). Out of loyalty to them, I carried the burden of being the stubborn one, the unreasonable one, the one who was lost. Never mind that I was hurt, never mind that I needed help. It was inconvenient to help me, inconvenient to reach out. And yet... I was loyal to these people. The thought now makes me sick. It makes me angry that I cared about them, angry that I could be tossed aside. Like garbage, less than a human being.
Then I realized something. They didn't owe me anything. Loyalty to me was inconvenient. They didn't need to put up with my issues, so why should they? Why communicate with someone who had fallen when you could stay on the top as happy as a clam? Sure, when they needed something and it was convenient to them, they'd come around and ask for favors. But then they'd leave again once they got what they needed. I saw them, hurting, backstabbing, sniping at each other, and I felt jealous. That they could do all that and not lose their wits and emotions and status and sanity. That even though I did all I could to be as morally "right" as possible, all of these "wrong"-doers were far more privileged than I was. I hated them. But really? I wanted to be just like them. To be able to live without having to worry about the emotions and issues and lives of others. To hurt others without feeling any pain myself. To step on and squash others like bugs. To wield the power I once had more firmly than ever before. I wanted to burn them as much as they burned me, ten times hotter.
And just as quickly as it came, it subsided. I looked at what I wanted and saw just what I would have to become in order to attain it. And I didn't like it. But I no longer liked being loyal either. Not to the extent I once was. I decided that it was time to stop defining myself by this word. To let go of things I once held dear once I really measured them. Once I saw just what the benefits were. So much for sticking by something no matter what, eh?
In the end, I am still loyal to some people and things. Far fewer than I once was and think will ever be again. As far as I am concerned, the loyalty I once had is overrated. It felt good to be someone people could count on. But I want to be more than that. I want to be the one who makes you laugh. Or the one who throws sweet parties. Even the one who calls sometimes just to say hi and leave it at that. I don't want to be the one you scream at and takes it "because she has to or else she's a bad friend". Or the one you backstab because "she'll forgive you for it anyway". Or the one you snicker at when she's not around and fake a smile for because "I can get away with that when it comes to her". The one you pity for standing by something she really shouldn't. I am better than that; I know that now. Most of all, I want to be the one who is strong enough stand for herself, no other cause or person necessary. And I think, ironically, by letting my loyalty go, I can become that person.
Next time: Forgiveness
RG
Loyalty is defined as faithfulness or a devotion to a person, country, group, or cause. It is the idea that I will stick by something no matter what the consequences, good or bad. That once I am in, I am all in and that I will not falter. For as long as I can remember, loyalty has been an unquestionably good quality of mine. Whenever people called me loyal, I beamed. Loyalty was a badge of honor, a symbol of my pride. I wore it as often as I could with as many people and things as possible. Until the point in my life where I realized loyalty could have a dark, twisted form. A form that almost destroyed me.
The first issue I had with loyalty was my belief that no one else had it to the extent that I did. I remember being in middle school and sticking by the same group of people. Even when, as girls that age tend to do, they started backstabbing and abandoning me, I stood by them. Every tear that I cried fell with the belief that one day, they would come around. After all, I still believed in them and I never took any steps towards revenge. Why wouldn't they come back? Why would they keep hurting someone who was so loyal? Some of them did come around, and some did not. I stuck by the ones that did and chalked off the others as being "disloyal." They weren't worth being my friends anyway because they didn't believe in what I did; that being loyal was more important than boys or bands or clothes. And for a while, that belief did me good.
That belief finally popped between my final year of college and now. The belief I came across that shook my world was this: Sometimes, loyalty isn't worth the garbage you put up with. Middle school repeated itself for me. I fell out with one person and as a result, many people I was loyal to, people I cared about, could not be bothered to be loyal to me. They did this out of convenience, which by now I've established as more on the wrong side of the morality scale (for me anyway). Out of loyalty to them, I carried the burden of being the stubborn one, the unreasonable one, the one who was lost. Never mind that I was hurt, never mind that I needed help. It was inconvenient to help me, inconvenient to reach out. And yet... I was loyal to these people. The thought now makes me sick. It makes me angry that I cared about them, angry that I could be tossed aside. Like garbage, less than a human being.
Then I realized something. They didn't owe me anything. Loyalty to me was inconvenient. They didn't need to put up with my issues, so why should they? Why communicate with someone who had fallen when you could stay on the top as happy as a clam? Sure, when they needed something and it was convenient to them, they'd come around and ask for favors. But then they'd leave again once they got what they needed. I saw them, hurting, backstabbing, sniping at each other, and I felt jealous. That they could do all that and not lose their wits and emotions and status and sanity. That even though I did all I could to be as morally "right" as possible, all of these "wrong"-doers were far more privileged than I was. I hated them. But really? I wanted to be just like them. To be able to live without having to worry about the emotions and issues and lives of others. To hurt others without feeling any pain myself. To step on and squash others like bugs. To wield the power I once had more firmly than ever before. I wanted to burn them as much as they burned me, ten times hotter.
And just as quickly as it came, it subsided. I looked at what I wanted and saw just what I would have to become in order to attain it. And I didn't like it. But I no longer liked being loyal either. Not to the extent I once was. I decided that it was time to stop defining myself by this word. To let go of things I once held dear once I really measured them. Once I saw just what the benefits were. So much for sticking by something no matter what, eh?
In the end, I am still loyal to some people and things. Far fewer than I once was and think will ever be again. As far as I am concerned, the loyalty I once had is overrated. It felt good to be someone people could count on. But I want to be more than that. I want to be the one who makes you laugh. Or the one who throws sweet parties. Even the one who calls sometimes just to say hi and leave it at that. I don't want to be the one you scream at and takes it "because she has to or else she's a bad friend". Or the one you backstab because "she'll forgive you for it anyway". Or the one you snicker at when she's not around and fake a smile for because "I can get away with that when it comes to her". The one you pity for standing by something she really shouldn't. I am better than that; I know that now. Most of all, I want to be the one who is strong enough stand for herself, no other cause or person necessary. And I think, ironically, by letting my loyalty go, I can become that person.
Next time: Forgiveness
RG
Monday, June 27, 2011
A Series of Thoughts on Morality: Part 2
Today's topic: Tolerance and Acceptance. Both are words that get thrown around a lot. For the record, they are defined as the following:
Tolerance is the capacity for or the practice of recognizing and respecting the beliefs or practices of others. Acceptance can be either favorable reception, approval, belief in something, or agreement.
The question of whether one is better than the other is one that has popped in my mind in recent years. Tolerance is always something that is encouraged among others. We should tolerate the differences of others. We should tolerate behaviors that annoy us. If we don't like something, we smile and keep that dislike to ourselves or else we're intolerant. There is really not much that is "intolerable" these days among people I know. That all being said, I don't think tolerance is good enough.
Tolerance has this underlying identity. When we tolerate something, we are, at essence, putting up with it. We may not particularly want to put up with it, but we do for many reasons. Because it is more convenient for us to be tolerant. Because we are showing respect. Because it is not socially acceptable to be intolerant. Tolerance is a mask. It is a pale imitation of acceptance, which I personally feel to be the better of the two.
Acceptance is freedom. It is the admittance of truth, many times a truth people don't want to hear or acknowledge. Acceptance is taking in something that was once disliked or tolerated and seeing it as it is, not for what we want it to be. As someone who has been seeking truth around me, I like acceptance a lot. I like the freedom it provides me. There are many things I accept that some people find tolerable at best. It's all a matter of perception. Case in point:
I had a discussion with a male relative about the recent gay marriage vote in New York. I accepted it as a wonderful thing (because it is, to me). He tolerated it. I asked him why and we got into this whole debate of the one word people keep arguing about: "marriage." In his eyes, it is acceptable for him to sleep around with a lot of women only to eventually enter into a "sacred" (his word, not mine) bond that should be reserved for men and women alone. He accepts that the phrasing in the U.S. laws between Marriage and Civil Unions is faulty and feels they should be equal, just that the word should not cover both heterosexual and homosexual unions. In my eyes, I tolerate that he sleeps around without much thought to his partners and thinks sex is sacred at the same time. I don't particularly like it and I don't think he should be arguing for sacredness when he doesn't appear to take relationships seriously (but that's a post for another day). Rather, I accept that love happens when it happens and how it happens and that there is no control for who we love. Why punish people for something positive that they can't control?
In the end, I can say this: I accept that relative for who he is because I love him, warts and all. To simply tolerate him (put up with him) instead of accept him (take him for what he is) would begin a process of disassociation. Soon I start finding others quirks of his intolerable (which tends to happen a lot when we tolerate things instead of accept them) until I realize I can't stand him at all. I would rather accept him as he is and watch him grow than tolerate him and watch our relationship die.
That is, I feel the big difference between the two: tolerance is stagnant and acceptance is not. When you tolerate something, you're saying "I'm not going any further on my opinion on this." When you accept something, you're saying "I understand this thing and want to grow with it." So I suppose in the end, it is always better to accept... unless you can't.
Acceptance is a big step in any kind of relationship or understanding. A lot of people don't get there. Hence, why tolerance is so popular. It's a mask of acceptance, the convenient ideal. Tolerance in my life is convenient. As I mentioned before, convenience is dangerous to me. It is the temptation of making things easier when I should be working towards them instead. Hence, I've come upon this conclusion when it comes to tolerance and acceptance: Acceptance is the ideal. Try to learn and understand things I may not like at best and hate at worst. Until I can accept them, tolerate them. Recognize them for what they are and not what they are trying to be. Don't antagonize them, but don't trust them either. Acceptance is the foundation trust is built upon. Without acceptance, there is no trust to gain for me. I was hurt too many times when I trusted first and accepted later. I think this can help me. We'll see, won't we?
Next time: Loyalty
RG
Tolerance is the capacity for or the practice of recognizing and respecting the beliefs or practices of others. Acceptance can be either favorable reception, approval, belief in something, or agreement.
The question of whether one is better than the other is one that has popped in my mind in recent years. Tolerance is always something that is encouraged among others. We should tolerate the differences of others. We should tolerate behaviors that annoy us. If we don't like something, we smile and keep that dislike to ourselves or else we're intolerant. There is really not much that is "intolerable" these days among people I know. That all being said, I don't think tolerance is good enough.
Tolerance has this underlying identity. When we tolerate something, we are, at essence, putting up with it. We may not particularly want to put up with it, but we do for many reasons. Because it is more convenient for us to be tolerant. Because we are showing respect. Because it is not socially acceptable to be intolerant. Tolerance is a mask. It is a pale imitation of acceptance, which I personally feel to be the better of the two.
Acceptance is freedom. It is the admittance of truth, many times a truth people don't want to hear or acknowledge. Acceptance is taking in something that was once disliked or tolerated and seeing it as it is, not for what we want it to be. As someone who has been seeking truth around me, I like acceptance a lot. I like the freedom it provides me. There are many things I accept that some people find tolerable at best. It's all a matter of perception. Case in point:
I had a discussion with a male relative about the recent gay marriage vote in New York. I accepted it as a wonderful thing (because it is, to me). He tolerated it. I asked him why and we got into this whole debate of the one word people keep arguing about: "marriage." In his eyes, it is acceptable for him to sleep around with a lot of women only to eventually enter into a "sacred" (his word, not mine) bond that should be reserved for men and women alone. He accepts that the phrasing in the U.S. laws between Marriage and Civil Unions is faulty and feels they should be equal, just that the word should not cover both heterosexual and homosexual unions. In my eyes, I tolerate that he sleeps around without much thought to his partners and thinks sex is sacred at the same time. I don't particularly like it and I don't think he should be arguing for sacredness when he doesn't appear to take relationships seriously (but that's a post for another day). Rather, I accept that love happens when it happens and how it happens and that there is no control for who we love. Why punish people for something positive that they can't control?
In the end, I can say this: I accept that relative for who he is because I love him, warts and all. To simply tolerate him (put up with him) instead of accept him (take him for what he is) would begin a process of disassociation. Soon I start finding others quirks of his intolerable (which tends to happen a lot when we tolerate things instead of accept them) until I realize I can't stand him at all. I would rather accept him as he is and watch him grow than tolerate him and watch our relationship die.
That is, I feel the big difference between the two: tolerance is stagnant and acceptance is not. When you tolerate something, you're saying "I'm not going any further on my opinion on this." When you accept something, you're saying "I understand this thing and want to grow with it." So I suppose in the end, it is always better to accept... unless you can't.
Acceptance is a big step in any kind of relationship or understanding. A lot of people don't get there. Hence, why tolerance is so popular. It's a mask of acceptance, the convenient ideal. Tolerance in my life is convenient. As I mentioned before, convenience is dangerous to me. It is the temptation of making things easier when I should be working towards them instead. Hence, I've come upon this conclusion when it comes to tolerance and acceptance: Acceptance is the ideal. Try to learn and understand things I may not like at best and hate at worst. Until I can accept them, tolerate them. Recognize them for what they are and not what they are trying to be. Don't antagonize them, but don't trust them either. Acceptance is the foundation trust is built upon. Without acceptance, there is no trust to gain for me. I was hurt too many times when I trusted first and accepted later. I think this can help me. We'll see, won't we?
Next time: Loyalty
RG
Thursday, June 23, 2011
A Series of Thoughts on Morality: Part 1
This is the first of interrelated blog posts. They all approach the same theme: my morality and how it has evolved from times past. Today's topic: Convenience.
Convenience is described as " freedom from discomfort." When things are done "at one's convenience," they are done in a manner that is easy. People do not have to exert a great effort or dedicate a lot of time to performing things or acts when they have convenience in mind. Convenience doesn't seem to have a negative connotation at first sight. It actually sounds pretty positive; why exert an effort for something that is problematic? Do things the easy way!
Except I am a former user and a victim of convenience. Once upon a time, my relationships with people depended on convenience. Was hanging out with a given person fun? Did hanging out with them require much effort on my part? Was spending time with this person good for me socially? If those questions had positive answers, then I built an amicable acquaintanceship. I rarely built friendships, but when I did, they were always set with permanence in mind. Until they ended. Some ended well. Some ended badly. This relates to those that ended badly.
The user became the victim. I was no longer convenient to spend time around. I was branded. "She's a hassle." "Too opinionated." "Not worth the time." These are all things I heard related to me. I learned too well what I had been dealing out to people when they started dealing it out to me. I felt hurt, betrayed, and yet, wiser.
I learned convenience is a terrible thing to base any kind of relationship on. I want convenience when I'm in traffic or looking for ways to make tasks and work easier. I don't want the primary reason to be around people to be "it's easy for me to be around them and I get a reward for it." It can be a perk, but it should not be what the relationship is based on. Any relationship worth having takes effort. There is no such thing as a truly convenient relationship. If it is too perfect, something is wrong. Life is messy, complicated, inconvenient. It's better to deal with it as it is than to try and cut corners. Cutting corners may be convenient, but not when it comes to people and emotions.
In the morality I am developing now, I don't see convenience as pure evil. But it does fall more on the black side than white or gray. Convenience can be dangerous, especially when it's a main motivation. Forming friendships and relationships based on convenience is playing with fire. That's not to say that every friendship or relationship should be ridiculously complicated. There needs to be a balance. Effort needs to be made on both sides of a -ship for it to work well. If it's out of convenience for one of the people involved, they will leave when it stops being convenient. It's how most people are, sadly.
Knowing what I've learned about convenience has definitely prepared me to look at my interactions with people in a new light. I'm looking forward to developing new -ships and reinvigorating old ones now that I am leaving convenience behind as something I base said -ships on.
Next time: Tolerance vs. Acceptance
RG
Convenience is described as " freedom from discomfort." When things are done "at one's convenience," they are done in a manner that is easy. People do not have to exert a great effort or dedicate a lot of time to performing things or acts when they have convenience in mind. Convenience doesn't seem to have a negative connotation at first sight. It actually sounds pretty positive; why exert an effort for something that is problematic? Do things the easy way!
Except I am a former user and a victim of convenience. Once upon a time, my relationships with people depended on convenience. Was hanging out with a given person fun? Did hanging out with them require much effort on my part? Was spending time with this person good for me socially? If those questions had positive answers, then I built an amicable acquaintanceship. I rarely built friendships, but when I did, they were always set with permanence in mind. Until they ended. Some ended well. Some ended badly. This relates to those that ended badly.
The user became the victim. I was no longer convenient to spend time around. I was branded. "She's a hassle." "Too opinionated." "Not worth the time." These are all things I heard related to me. I learned too well what I had been dealing out to people when they started dealing it out to me. I felt hurt, betrayed, and yet, wiser.
I learned convenience is a terrible thing to base any kind of relationship on. I want convenience when I'm in traffic or looking for ways to make tasks and work easier. I don't want the primary reason to be around people to be "it's easy for me to be around them and I get a reward for it." It can be a perk, but it should not be what the relationship is based on. Any relationship worth having takes effort. There is no such thing as a truly convenient relationship. If it is too perfect, something is wrong. Life is messy, complicated, inconvenient. It's better to deal with it as it is than to try and cut corners. Cutting corners may be convenient, but not when it comes to people and emotions.
In the morality I am developing now, I don't see convenience as pure evil. But it does fall more on the black side than white or gray. Convenience can be dangerous, especially when it's a main motivation. Forming friendships and relationships based on convenience is playing with fire. That's not to say that every friendship or relationship should be ridiculously complicated. There needs to be a balance. Effort needs to be made on both sides of a -ship for it to work well. If it's out of convenience for one of the people involved, they will leave when it stops being convenient. It's how most people are, sadly.
Knowing what I've learned about convenience has definitely prepared me to look at my interactions with people in a new light. I'm looking forward to developing new -ships and reinvigorating old ones now that I am leaving convenience behind as something I base said -ships on.
Next time: Tolerance vs. Acceptance
RG
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
I am the Strongest Woman in the World!
Cosplaying as Chun-Li is something I wanted to do my entire life. I just didn't realize that until I did it.
I haven't felt pretty enough to pose for pictures in a long time. That's changed, obviously. :)
RG
I haven't felt pretty enough to pose for pictures in a long time. That's changed, obviously. :)
RG
Friday, May 20, 2011
Break Glass in Case of Apocalypse
So the world's ending tomorrow, apparently. Not quite sure what to make of that. On the one hand, people have been talking about the end of the world for as long as people have existed. As someone who was raised in a Catholic context, I've known that the world had ended before and come back multiple times. If God and humanity were in a Facebook relationship, it would be complicated. As someone who has grown from those roots and taken strides towards more pagan, human, reasonable beliefs, I doubt a "loving" deity would save the hateful and the hypocrites and leave good nonbelievers and "pariahs" to rot.
But on the off chance the world does end, I figured it would be fun to make some kind of note here regarding life as I have lived it so far. Here it goes.
I lived 24 years. Most of them were spent in obedience and servitude. I did not begin living a life of my own until I went to university. From ages 18 - 22, I learned what I wanted. From 23 - now, I got what I wanted. If the world ends tomorrow, I will be going out a free woman. When the day goes from May 21st to May 22nd, I will still be a free woman, one with the opportunity to keep growing as I have.
As far as I am concerned, I'm alive now and I will keep living as long as I have breath.
The apocalypse/rapture/nonsense won't stop me; it can't. :-P
RG
But on the off chance the world does end, I figured it would be fun to make some kind of note here regarding life as I have lived it so far. Here it goes.
I lived 24 years. Most of them were spent in obedience and servitude. I did not begin living a life of my own until I went to university. From ages 18 - 22, I learned what I wanted. From 23 - now, I got what I wanted. If the world ends tomorrow, I will be going out a free woman. When the day goes from May 21st to May 22nd, I will still be a free woman, one with the opportunity to keep growing as I have.
As far as I am concerned, I'm alive now and I will keep living as long as I have breath.
The apocalypse/rapture/nonsense won't stop me; it can't. :-P
RG
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Be Aggressive, B-E Aggressive
I've noticed a pattern forming in this reboot project that was definitely unexpected. As I've been rebuilding who I am, what I do, and where I'm going, I've noticed a stark pattern of aggression. This doesn't mean I've joined a Fight Club or dress up as a bat and fight crime at night, although both of those things would be interesting to try once. It's a different kind of aggression than that. The aggression I'm cultivating is one that is based on sticking up for myself and others.
Here's a story, kids: Once upon a time, I LOVED passive aggression. I could be angry at people without really being angry at people, you know? I'd put up cryptic statuses on Facebook, write gossipy notes on Livejournal, and all around be a tool towards people who angered me without really letting them know who they were and why I was angry. Recently, I realized just how much worse that is than being straight up with people. It was bad for them, because one day I was fine and the next not for reasons they almost always never understood. It was bad for me because I kept a lot of that anger to myself and let it fester. Then I killed my old friend, Goody-Goody. If you haven't read that entry, the gist of it is that I rid myself of the doormat aspect of my personality and am learning how to live more assertively and, yes, aggressively.
Now that I am living this more open life, the thing that hurts the most about it is seeing others who are stuck in the same trap I was once in. I see people afraid to tell other people "No" and "Stop" and "Treat me better." I see people resorting to passive aggression because they are either too scared to admit they are angry with someone or for more insidious, manipulative reasons (I.E. - I'm going to guilt this person for making me upset and then not tell them why. Brilliant!). Worst, I see people still have their Goodies telling them to bow down to others when they should hold their heads up high. Seeing these things makes my aggression flare right up. On the one hand, the people I do help and mentor when it comes to getting rid of their Goodies appreciate having someone who made it to this side helping them stick up for themselves. On the other hand, is it really my responsibility to be the hero for people, especially when I'm trying to piece my own self together at the same time?
Aggression is a dangerous addiction once one starts dabbling in it. Telling it how it is and dishing it to people who've made me feel worthless is very cathartic. But I can't let it run how I interact with people in general. Then I become this monster that thinks it's right all the time and challenges and belittles people. I don't want to be the bully. I've been on the other side of that, and to think of myself treating others that way makes me sick. But I am also not the doormat anymore. If this dog is kicked, she will bite back. That much I've made clear. The rest... well, I'm figuring that out.
RG
Here's a story, kids: Once upon a time, I LOVED passive aggression. I could be angry at people without really being angry at people, you know? I'd put up cryptic statuses on Facebook, write gossipy notes on Livejournal, and all around be a tool towards people who angered me without really letting them know who they were and why I was angry. Recently, I realized just how much worse that is than being straight up with people. It was bad for them, because one day I was fine and the next not for reasons they almost always never understood. It was bad for me because I kept a lot of that anger to myself and let it fester. Then I killed my old friend, Goody-Goody. If you haven't read that entry, the gist of it is that I rid myself of the doormat aspect of my personality and am learning how to live more assertively and, yes, aggressively.
Now that I am living this more open life, the thing that hurts the most about it is seeing others who are stuck in the same trap I was once in. I see people afraid to tell other people "No" and "Stop" and "Treat me better." I see people resorting to passive aggression because they are either too scared to admit they are angry with someone or for more insidious, manipulative reasons (I.E. - I'm going to guilt this person for making me upset and then not tell them why. Brilliant!). Worst, I see people still have their Goodies telling them to bow down to others when they should hold their heads up high. Seeing these things makes my aggression flare right up. On the one hand, the people I do help and mentor when it comes to getting rid of their Goodies appreciate having someone who made it to this side helping them stick up for themselves. On the other hand, is it really my responsibility to be the hero for people, especially when I'm trying to piece my own self together at the same time?
Aggression is a dangerous addiction once one starts dabbling in it. Telling it how it is and dishing it to people who've made me feel worthless is very cathartic. But I can't let it run how I interact with people in general. Then I become this monster that thinks it's right all the time and challenges and belittles people. I don't want to be the bully. I've been on the other side of that, and to think of myself treating others that way makes me sick. But I am also not the doormat anymore. If this dog is kicked, she will bite back. That much I've made clear. The rest... well, I'm figuring that out.
RG
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Decision-Making
In addition being a crisis magnet (more on that at a later point in time), I also seem to be a decision magnet. As in, when people don't know what to do or which path to go down, they tend to ask me to a) give them some guidance, b) help them make their decision for them, or c) make the decision for them anyway.
I can't say that making decisions has always been easy for me. I'm the kind of person that likes to mull things over. I think what people confuse for decision-making skills on my part are sticking skills. By sticking, I refer to sticking by a decision. Once I've decided something, that's it. I've done all my mulling, questioning, and pondering by that point. I can take ages to decide what is a path to pursue, but once I pursue it, I don't leave it. Blame it on the stubbornness, I suppose.
Honestly, I think people in general can make decisions just fine. It's the sticking that always gets people. Much earlier in this blog, I wrote about relationships. How people come to the decision that they need a partner, emotionally and physically, to be fulfilled. How often do people actually stick to that decision? There have been so many times where I see that decision made and regretted. I mean, it's one thing to regret a decision involving school, or work, or money, or any other non-feeling thing. Regretting a decision made about other human beings is kind of a big deal. I'm not saying never get into relationships or stick in them when they go sour. What I am saying is that deciding to get involved with people isn't something that should be taken lightly, either in the decision-making process or the relationship stage.
Before I get too off track, what I think attracts people to me in this aspect is the fact that I do stick by my decisions. This can be good many times, but not so much when I make unwise choices. There are plenty of things I have done that I have regretted, many paths than I have traveled that I probably should have turned back on. But then I wouldn't be where I am now had I not traveled them, and I'm not ok with that. I like who I am. I like most of the people I've met and most of the experiences I've had. I realize that I would not be where I am today if I kept flip-flopping on my choices. Every experience has been a learning moment for me, because I chose to learn. Had I decided no or maybe, I'd just keep going around in circles.
What I'm trying to say, I suppose, is that life is full of decisions we have to make. Many of us spend a lot of life trying to figure out what to do, to the point that by the time we've made a choice, we're dying. People like myself, who make decisions and work with them on a regular basis, are seen as rare, apparently. And folks are drawn to rare things. Drawn to things they want to have and things they want to accomplish.
And I guess that makes me lucky. :)
RG
I can't say that making decisions has always been easy for me. I'm the kind of person that likes to mull things over. I think what people confuse for decision-making skills on my part are sticking skills. By sticking, I refer to sticking by a decision. Once I've decided something, that's it. I've done all my mulling, questioning, and pondering by that point. I can take ages to decide what is a path to pursue, but once I pursue it, I don't leave it. Blame it on the stubbornness, I suppose.
Honestly, I think people in general can make decisions just fine. It's the sticking that always gets people. Much earlier in this blog, I wrote about relationships. How people come to the decision that they need a partner, emotionally and physically, to be fulfilled. How often do people actually stick to that decision? There have been so many times where I see that decision made and regretted. I mean, it's one thing to regret a decision involving school, or work, or money, or any other non-feeling thing. Regretting a decision made about other human beings is kind of a big deal. I'm not saying never get into relationships or stick in them when they go sour. What I am saying is that deciding to get involved with people isn't something that should be taken lightly, either in the decision-making process or the relationship stage.
Before I get too off track, what I think attracts people to me in this aspect is the fact that I do stick by my decisions. This can be good many times, but not so much when I make unwise choices. There are plenty of things I have done that I have regretted, many paths than I have traveled that I probably should have turned back on. But then I wouldn't be where I am now had I not traveled them, and I'm not ok with that. I like who I am. I like most of the people I've met and most of the experiences I've had. I realize that I would not be where I am today if I kept flip-flopping on my choices. Every experience has been a learning moment for me, because I chose to learn. Had I decided no or maybe, I'd just keep going around in circles.
What I'm trying to say, I suppose, is that life is full of decisions we have to make. Many of us spend a lot of life trying to figure out what to do, to the point that by the time we've made a choice, we're dying. People like myself, who make decisions and work with them on a regular basis, are seen as rare, apparently. And folks are drawn to rare things. Drawn to things they want to have and things they want to accomplish.
And I guess that makes me lucky. :)
RG
Monday, April 18, 2011
How Reading Joe Abercrombie Has Changed My Life
Joe Abercrombie writes in a style that I once abhored. He focuses a lot on the grimy and gritty nature of humanity. His fantasy world doesn't contain knights in shining armor or prim, pristine princesses and damsels. Every character he writes is heavily, heavily flawed. His countries only have the appearance of being functional while the cogs of corruption whirr beneath the social climbers and beggars alike. Joe Abercrombie doesn't bother sugarcoating his world: it is an uncaring place that doesn't love you and the best you can do is survive; don't even think about succeeding because 1) you'll probably die trying or 2) if you do, it will be at a price you never wanted to pay.
And I cannot put his books down for a minute.
There is something to be said about optimism: it is good for one's mind and spirit. There is something fundamentally nice about always looking on the bright side of life. However, there is something foolish in it as well. There are so many things in this life that aren't worthy of a glance, never mind trust. So many situations that don't have black or white teams. To look on the bright side of life all the time is also, when done wrong, to ignore a lot of ills. Depending on who you are or where you are in life, this isn't always a good thing. I used to trust everyone around me. A nasty encounter with the falsest of friends taught me that was not always a good path to follow. There's optimism and there's ignorance. I fell into ignorance, but I'm trying to go back to optimism. I'm what Abercrombie woulds call a "realist."
The optimists in Abercrombie's books rarely ever stay that way. The world beat the ever-loving bright side out of them. And yet they survive. Sometimes they become better people. Other times, they do not. But every time, they see things they either didn't want to or couldn't see before. And that new knowledge does them well, especially in tricky situations. They see the world not as it could be, but as it is. And they adjust accordingly.
It's good to have ideas, but it's better to have ideas while also having a working knowledge of how the world around you works. And while this world I live in isn't nearly as rough as Abercrombie's, it's not the enchanted, friendly, opportunity-land I once thought it was. But if I work hard enough, it can be, as long as I keep my heels firmly planted where I stand and march forward. I need to walk before I can fly, and Abercrombie's definitely given me an idea of how:
"Well. What can we do, except try to do better?" - The Blade Itself
- RG
And I cannot put his books down for a minute.
There is something to be said about optimism: it is good for one's mind and spirit. There is something fundamentally nice about always looking on the bright side of life. However, there is something foolish in it as well. There are so many things in this life that aren't worthy of a glance, never mind trust. So many situations that don't have black or white teams. To look on the bright side of life all the time is also, when done wrong, to ignore a lot of ills. Depending on who you are or where you are in life, this isn't always a good thing. I used to trust everyone around me. A nasty encounter with the falsest of friends taught me that was not always a good path to follow. There's optimism and there's ignorance. I fell into ignorance, but I'm trying to go back to optimism. I'm what Abercrombie woulds call a "realist."
The optimists in Abercrombie's books rarely ever stay that way. The world beat the ever-loving bright side out of them. And yet they survive. Sometimes they become better people. Other times, they do not. But every time, they see things they either didn't want to or couldn't see before. And that new knowledge does them well, especially in tricky situations. They see the world not as it could be, but as it is. And they adjust accordingly.
It's good to have ideas, but it's better to have ideas while also having a working knowledge of how the world around you works. And while this world I live in isn't nearly as rough as Abercrombie's, it's not the enchanted, friendly, opportunity-land I once thought it was. But if I work hard enough, it can be, as long as I keep my heels firmly planted where I stand and march forward. I need to walk before I can fly, and Abercrombie's definitely given me an idea of how:
"Well. What can we do, except try to do better?" - The Blade Itself
- RG
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
This is Not the Career Path You Are Looking For
Once upon a time, I was young and naive. I applied to various grad schools in the hopes that I would work towards becoming some kind of professional in English or Language Arts. After multiple "no thank you"s and "try again next year"s, I became severely disheartened. Then, I was offered something I did not think I could refuse. I was offered the chance to have a Master's degree in education on the one condition that it be in Spanish, not English. Spanish, a very important subject. Spanish, taught in every school in New Jersey! Spanish is kind of like English, right? I can suck it up to have a Master's degree, no?
I did. I got my Master's degree in one year. And ever since then, I have yet to find stable employment. Budget cuts in New Jersey mean "important" subjects like World Language and the Arts were cut first. The job I do have is part-time with no benefits. The worst of this is the feeling I get when I teach. I like what I do, and I adore the kids, but I do not love what I teach. The few times I do feel like I would love what I am doing, I'm teaching some kind of literature in translation. English.
The State of New Jersey has made it abundantly clear that I need to pay for my mistake early in my education career. "No English job for you, you're already labeled Spanish. Think of all the other people out there who knew what they wanted from the beginning. Too bad!" To New Jersey I say the following:
I should not have to survive on job to job because you can't get your shit together. I'm doing all I can to amend what I did wrong, which wasn't even a crime, just a mistake. I didn't have anyone to tell me "Don't get your Master's until after you have a job or people won't want to hire you." I didn't have anyone who would warn me about how hideous the education system would become the moment I started teaching. I did all of this alone and survived better than you are at the moment. I don't want loads of money or material things. I want to be able to work in a stable job with some kind of benefits and live independently with my fiance. Is that too fucking much to ask, New Jersey? Don't be surprised if and when I leave this state for some place without high taxes and low standard of living. I've already been looking. Florida, Delaware, and Maryland are all far more forgiving when it comes to people who made mistakes, New Jersey. And they won't rob me blind for living there either. The first job I get that is stable and full-time with benefits, I'm taking. I will leave you if I have to, which it's looking more like each day.
RG
P.S. - My friend who always knew what she wanted to be doing also got her Master's in English. She's still waitressing because you won't give her a chance. Two years she's been trying, New Jersey, and you give her nothing. Way to encourage people to get educated.
I did. I got my Master's degree in one year. And ever since then, I have yet to find stable employment. Budget cuts in New Jersey mean "important" subjects like World Language and the Arts were cut first. The job I do have is part-time with no benefits. The worst of this is the feeling I get when I teach. I like what I do, and I adore the kids, but I do not love what I teach. The few times I do feel like I would love what I am doing, I'm teaching some kind of literature in translation. English.
The State of New Jersey has made it abundantly clear that I need to pay for my mistake early in my education career. "No English job for you, you're already labeled Spanish. Think of all the other people out there who knew what they wanted from the beginning. Too bad!" To New Jersey I say the following:
I should not have to survive on job to job because you can't get your shit together. I'm doing all I can to amend what I did wrong, which wasn't even a crime, just a mistake. I didn't have anyone to tell me "Don't get your Master's until after you have a job or people won't want to hire you." I didn't have anyone who would warn me about how hideous the education system would become the moment I started teaching. I did all of this alone and survived better than you are at the moment. I don't want loads of money or material things. I want to be able to work in a stable job with some kind of benefits and live independently with my fiance. Is that too fucking much to ask, New Jersey? Don't be surprised if and when I leave this state for some place without high taxes and low standard of living. I've already been looking. Florida, Delaware, and Maryland are all far more forgiving when it comes to people who made mistakes, New Jersey. And they won't rob me blind for living there either. The first job I get that is stable and full-time with benefits, I'm taking. I will leave you if I have to, which it's looking more like each day.
RG
P.S. - My friend who always knew what she wanted to be doing also got her Master's in English. She's still waitressing because you won't give her a chance. Two years she's been trying, New Jersey, and you give her nothing. Way to encourage people to get educated.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
The Hard Truth
I'm a believer in searching for one's own truth in life. I think that to follow a path because everyone else is doing so is a terrible thing to do. I also believe in true reflection. Not just pointing out all of one's good qualities but defining flaws to work on. Here is my hard truth.
I am a tough broad. I became a tough broad in response to being treated in ways I perceived to be cruel and unfair. I don't particularly like being a tough broad, but until I learn how to trust in others without giving up my well-being, it's how I have to be. I don't trust that many people. I like more people than I trust nowadays and I think I'm ok with that. I'm opinionated. I have opinions about things, but I tend not to give them unless asked or provoked. Not liking my opinions makes them neither valid nor invalid, just an opinion of one's own. I don't put up with a lot of people's garbage, but I sympathize with people who feel they have to because once upon a time, that was me.
My temper in years of late have caused me more than its fair share of problems. I'm incredibly hot-blooded and not as averse to conflict as I once was. Put in certain circumstances, this can be explosive for some people and quite enjoyable for others. My biggest flaw is that I am stubborn. If I'm right, I'm right. No two ways about it. If I choose to go down a certain path, I stay on it til the end, and as far as I can if the end isn't possible. These are all things about myself that I've come to accept are true. I know they affect how people see me and how I am approached. I don't particularly like any of these things, but I know they are true. So I do what I can to alleviate them for me and for others.
The hardest truths to accept are the ones about ourselves. That doesn't make them any less important to acknowledge. It is only by realizing everything about ourselves that we can make true progress.
RG
I am a tough broad. I became a tough broad in response to being treated in ways I perceived to be cruel and unfair. I don't particularly like being a tough broad, but until I learn how to trust in others without giving up my well-being, it's how I have to be. I don't trust that many people. I like more people than I trust nowadays and I think I'm ok with that. I'm opinionated. I have opinions about things, but I tend not to give them unless asked or provoked. Not liking my opinions makes them neither valid nor invalid, just an opinion of one's own. I don't put up with a lot of people's garbage, but I sympathize with people who feel they have to because once upon a time, that was me.
My temper in years of late have caused me more than its fair share of problems. I'm incredibly hot-blooded and not as averse to conflict as I once was. Put in certain circumstances, this can be explosive for some people and quite enjoyable for others. My biggest flaw is that I am stubborn. If I'm right, I'm right. No two ways about it. If I choose to go down a certain path, I stay on it til the end, and as far as I can if the end isn't possible. These are all things about myself that I've come to accept are true. I know they affect how people see me and how I am approached. I don't particularly like any of these things, but I know they are true. So I do what I can to alleviate them for me and for others.
The hardest truths to accept are the ones about ourselves. That doesn't make them any less important to acknowledge. It is only by realizing everything about ourselves that we can make true progress.
RG
Monday, March 21, 2011
Beliefs
I've been in contact with an acquaintance who is interested in becoming a closer friend. During talk, he asked me a point blank question that very few people ever ask me: "What do you believe in?"
What makes this even more unusual is that I had an answer. Something I'm going to write down here:
At the moment, positive growth. I believe in bettering myself rather than hope other people do the same. I believe in flux: the world continually changes, and so do I. I don't believe in becoming stagnant. If I'm a certain way for a long enough time, I feel an urge to just pick up and change everything. At first, it was just change of any kind. As I have grown and become more mature, I want to changes in my life to lead me in positive directions. When I do change, I want it to be because I am better serving myself and others, not just to please other people in general.
I don't believe in humanity nearly as much as I used to. There was a time when I could trust anything a given person said. That time is, thankfully, long past. But it was also the time I considered the brightest of my life so far. I want to believe as I did, but I've come to accept that I never really will, and that it's not good for me to. But still... I still want to reach a day where I can believe in the goodness of people but not depend on it. There's a lot of pain I need to work through before I get there, but I'm willing to work through it because I was a lot happier when I believed in the inherent goodness of humanity. Being a teacher is actually helping me with that. They say kids are cruel, but they are also incredibly gentle, endearing, and sweet. They're humanity at its barest essence.
I believe in being honest and loyal, but not defining myself as either one. Not anymore. I spent too much time molding myself to fit a certain lifestyle before I realized that lifestyle didn't meet my needs at all. I spent too much time holding myself and only myself to those standards and letting everyone else slide. I've learned that I can be a good person at heart and that it's ok to have flaws. I haven't fully embraced those flaws, but I'm at least much more aware of them now.
If I said these always were, are, and always will be my beliefs, I would be lying through my teeth. I tend to do an overhaul of what I stand for at least one a year. These past few years, it's happened more often. A lot has happened in my life to assess where I'm going. I became an "adult," I got a few jobs, I went to grad school,I got engaged. My life is pulling me in a few directions and, frankly, I'm not sure which way I should go. I can't say that I will keep these beliefs as I travel. But I will remember to analyze them and see which ones can help me and which ones hurt.
As far as I am concerned, these are my beliefs, for now. As I've said, I'm a creature of change. Which, ironically enough, is the only true constant about me.
RG
What makes this even more unusual is that I had an answer. Something I'm going to write down here:
At the moment, positive growth. I believe in bettering myself rather than hope other people do the same. I believe in flux: the world continually changes, and so do I. I don't believe in becoming stagnant. If I'm a certain way for a long enough time, I feel an urge to just pick up and change everything. At first, it was just change of any kind. As I have grown and become more mature, I want to changes in my life to lead me in positive directions. When I do change, I want it to be because I am better serving myself and others, not just to please other people in general.
I don't believe in humanity nearly as much as I used to. There was a time when I could trust anything a given person said. That time is, thankfully, long past. But it was also the time I considered the brightest of my life so far. I want to believe as I did, but I've come to accept that I never really will, and that it's not good for me to. But still... I still want to reach a day where I can believe in the goodness of people but not depend on it. There's a lot of pain I need to work through before I get there, but I'm willing to work through it because I was a lot happier when I believed in the inherent goodness of humanity. Being a teacher is actually helping me with that. They say kids are cruel, but they are also incredibly gentle, endearing, and sweet. They're humanity at its barest essence.
I believe in being honest and loyal, but not defining myself as either one. Not anymore. I spent too much time molding myself to fit a certain lifestyle before I realized that lifestyle didn't meet my needs at all. I spent too much time holding myself and only myself to those standards and letting everyone else slide. I've learned that I can be a good person at heart and that it's ok to have flaws. I haven't fully embraced those flaws, but I'm at least much more aware of them now.
If I said these always were, are, and always will be my beliefs, I would be lying through my teeth. I tend to do an overhaul of what I stand for at least one a year. These past few years, it's happened more often. A lot has happened in my life to assess where I'm going. I became an "adult," I got a few jobs, I went to grad school,I got engaged. My life is pulling me in a few directions and, frankly, I'm not sure which way I should go. I can't say that I will keep these beliefs as I travel. But I will remember to analyze them and see which ones can help me and which ones hurt.
As far as I am concerned, these are my beliefs, for now. As I've said, I'm a creature of change. Which, ironically enough, is the only true constant about me.
RG
Monday, March 7, 2011
Half a Year of Rebooting (or Reflections on a Facebook Meme)
The project I started in September is surprisingly very much alive now. This is a pretty big deal for me because a pattern I have repeated often in my life has been to start something new only to forget about it shortly after. Perhaps that aspect of me is being rewritten and recoded a bit faster than most other things in this process. I like that.
Rebooting has opened my eyes to a lot of things this year. It has opened my eyes to positive self-criticism instead of self-deprecation. I've learned a lot about myself this year. That I can be grateful without being a fool. That I can be distant without being cold. That it is a very good thing to examine myself from time to time so I don't grow stagnant.
My fiance (still not used to that word, btw) mentioned something funny to me yesterday. On a 30-day-challenge Facebook meme I've been following, I posted an old picture of myself to represent who I was. My fiance did not recognize me at first. He asked me who that girl in my photo was and did not believe that it was me. it took a bit of time and analysis, but he did recognize me as I was then. He felt silly for not realizing it was me. I told him that was perfectly ok.
I explained to him that I'm the kind of girl who recreates herself from time to time. To the point where looking at photos of me from even as recently as college and looking at me now gives a viewer two completely different people. The girl in the photo was in a sunny lawn enjoying the spring day. She has a mixed look of calm and nervousness in her eyes (she hates being in pictures). Her flip-flopped feet are up in the air as she lied on her belly. She smiles with closed lips because she is embarrassed of her crooked teeth. The girl my fiance knows now is VERY different from that girl, even if these two entities share the same consciousness and body.
The girl my fiance knows now, the one he is marrying, isn't truly a girl. She is a woman. Unlike the girl in the picture, this woman hides from pictures to the point where it is very rare to see what she looks like. She might like being photographed again one day. When this woman smiles, she smiles widely with her now-straightened teeth and with her head held high. her hair is no longer long but bobbed, and cute that way. She stands up instead of lies down, she works instead of lounges. She is who I am now, but not necessarily who I will always be.
I suppose it is impossible to slack off in rebooting. I've been doing it all my life. This is just the first time I've ever written about it.
RG
Rebooting has opened my eyes to a lot of things this year. It has opened my eyes to positive self-criticism instead of self-deprecation. I've learned a lot about myself this year. That I can be grateful without being a fool. That I can be distant without being cold. That it is a very good thing to examine myself from time to time so I don't grow stagnant.
My fiance (still not used to that word, btw) mentioned something funny to me yesterday. On a 30-day-challenge Facebook meme I've been following, I posted an old picture of myself to represent who I was. My fiance did not recognize me at first. He asked me who that girl in my photo was and did not believe that it was me. it took a bit of time and analysis, but he did recognize me as I was then. He felt silly for not realizing it was me. I told him that was perfectly ok.
I explained to him that I'm the kind of girl who recreates herself from time to time. To the point where looking at photos of me from even as recently as college and looking at me now gives a viewer two completely different people. The girl in the photo was in a sunny lawn enjoying the spring day. She has a mixed look of calm and nervousness in her eyes (she hates being in pictures). Her flip-flopped feet are up in the air as she lied on her belly. She smiles with closed lips because she is embarrassed of her crooked teeth. The girl my fiance knows now is VERY different from that girl, even if these two entities share the same consciousness and body.
The girl my fiance knows now, the one he is marrying, isn't truly a girl. She is a woman. Unlike the girl in the picture, this woman hides from pictures to the point where it is very rare to see what she looks like. She might like being photographed again one day. When this woman smiles, she smiles widely with her now-straightened teeth and with her head held high. her hair is no longer long but bobbed, and cute that way. She stands up instead of lies down, she works instead of lounges. She is who I am now, but not necessarily who I will always be.
I suppose it is impossible to slack off in rebooting. I've been doing it all my life. This is just the first time I've ever written about it.
RG
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
An Open Letter to Miss Goody Goody
Miss Goody Goody is the name I gave to a part of me I decided to leave behind when I started rebooting. Miss Goody Goody is the side of my character that was always worried about everyone else and never herself. She was the one who told me it was ok to feel sad if it meant everyone else was happy. She was the one who told me not to stir up trouble (and by trouble, I mean sticking up for myself). She was the one who told me that "good girls just smile and nod and get mad when no one is looking."
Miss Goody Goody is someone I miss, in spite of the bad things she did to me. People liked Miss Goody Goody. People felt comfortable with Miss Goody Goody because she let them do whatever they wanted and Miss Goody Goody always nodded and said "ok". When she disappeared, I noticed many of these people disappeared as well. I became this person who said "no" and "I have an opinion" and "What about how I feel?" Turns out, the same people who liked Miss Goody Goody the most didn't like me. They didn't like that they suddenly had to (gasp) pay attention to a friendship with me rather than just take and take and take and give nothing back. They didn't like that the free ride was over. So they left.
And for the longest time, I was sad. Sad that people I liked and trusted couldn't be bothered to get to know the real me. Sad that when given the choice of a real person or Miss Goody Goody, people went for Miss Goody Goody because she was "easier." And then I realized something: how much should I really miss these people? If they were only friendly to me because I did things for them and served certain purposes, there is really no reason for me to miss them. Granted, not everybody I ever met liked Miss Goody Goody. I had plenty of friends, real friends, that saw who I really was beneath Miss Goody Goody. These are the friends I have closest to me now, maybe not in location, but definitely in heart. These are the folks I can count on and who can always count on me.
And so we get to the part of the letter:
Dear Miss Goody Goody,
I miss how you were able to attract people. I miss how you were able to be cute and bubbly and charming and get people to like you. I miss how much easier it was to make friends with people when you were a part of me.
I don't miss you. I don't miss how you thought it was ok for me to constantly "take one for the team." I don't miss how you exposed the fakes for who they really were, but I am grateful that you did. I don't miss always having to say "I'm sorry" for things I didn't do wrong. I don't miss having to put up with things that were ultimately stupid and pointless. I don't miss having to maintain a facade while everyone else can be genuinely happy with you. I don't miss how you twisted things in my mind to make me look like the bad guy for wanting to be respected and truly loved for who I am, not for what I could do.
Things are tougher without you. Making new friends will never be the same. Keeping good friends will actually be easier. Whoever disappeared with you was not worthy of me. Whoever stayed is. And to be honest, I am happy with the people I have in my life now. Near or far, highly connected or not. And most of all, I am ultimately happy that you are gone and I can be who I want to be, not what people want me to be.
- RG
Miss Goody Goody is someone I miss, in spite of the bad things she did to me. People liked Miss Goody Goody. People felt comfortable with Miss Goody Goody because she let them do whatever they wanted and Miss Goody Goody always nodded and said "ok". When she disappeared, I noticed many of these people disappeared as well. I became this person who said "no" and "I have an opinion" and "What about how I feel?" Turns out, the same people who liked Miss Goody Goody the most didn't like me. They didn't like that they suddenly had to (gasp) pay attention to a friendship with me rather than just take and take and take and give nothing back. They didn't like that the free ride was over. So they left.
And for the longest time, I was sad. Sad that people I liked and trusted couldn't be bothered to get to know the real me. Sad that when given the choice of a real person or Miss Goody Goody, people went for Miss Goody Goody because she was "easier." And then I realized something: how much should I really miss these people? If they were only friendly to me because I did things for them and served certain purposes, there is really no reason for me to miss them. Granted, not everybody I ever met liked Miss Goody Goody. I had plenty of friends, real friends, that saw who I really was beneath Miss Goody Goody. These are the friends I have closest to me now, maybe not in location, but definitely in heart. These are the folks I can count on and who can always count on me.
And so we get to the part of the letter:
Dear Miss Goody Goody,
I miss how you were able to attract people. I miss how you were able to be cute and bubbly and charming and get people to like you. I miss how much easier it was to make friends with people when you were a part of me.
I don't miss you. I don't miss how you thought it was ok for me to constantly "take one for the team." I don't miss how you exposed the fakes for who they really were, but I am grateful that you did. I don't miss always having to say "I'm sorry" for things I didn't do wrong. I don't miss having to put up with things that were ultimately stupid and pointless. I don't miss having to maintain a facade while everyone else can be genuinely happy with you. I don't miss how you twisted things in my mind to make me look like the bad guy for wanting to be respected and truly loved for who I am, not for what I could do.
Things are tougher without you. Making new friends will never be the same. Keeping good friends will actually be easier. Whoever disappeared with you was not worthy of me. Whoever stayed is. And to be honest, I am happy with the people I have in my life now. Near or far, highly connected or not. And most of all, I am ultimately happy that you are gone and I can be who I want to be, not what people want me to be.
- RG
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
The Sad Reality of Teaching in New Jersey
I'm working part-time at a job I adore. The kids are amazing. The staffs at the schools I visit are kind, supportive, and knowledgeable. My bosses are incredibly disorganized, but still great people to work with. The pay sucks. Especially when there's snow days. I barely made tuition payments this past month for my licenses. That led me to the sad realization that, while I can keep this job for a little bit longer, I need to start looking for something full-time again. I need to look for a full-time teaching job that:
1) Isn't a mere replacement position for a pregnant woman who's just going to come back in 3 - 6 months.
2) Is dedicated to English, Spanish, or K-5 in some kind of combination of those subjects.
3) Will take a person with just two years of teaching experience and no standard license but a lot of provisional licenses.
4) Is full-time, meaning I work the same amount of hours but get a better salary and benefits.
It was impossible when I was looking for a job before. Nothing was open that I could legitimately apply for. When I did find those rare positions I could fill well, they were often code for "This is part-time. You will work to the bone and we will give you nothing." It's why I started with my company if the first place. They've given me experience, connections, and confidence in my skills. But I can't live on just those things alone.
Things are different now. I am more well-rounded. I am prepared to be competitive. The only question is, where will I be this September? Will I finally have my own classroom in a school that knows what I am capable of? Will I still be working for my same little company, hoping to get more hours? Or will I be somewhere in between?
Can't really know until I get there, I suppose.
RG
1) Isn't a mere replacement position for a pregnant woman who's just going to come back in 3 - 6 months.
2) Is dedicated to English, Spanish, or K-5 in some kind of combination of those subjects.
3) Will take a person with just two years of teaching experience and no standard license but a lot of provisional licenses.
4) Is full-time, meaning I work the same amount of hours but get a better salary and benefits.
It was impossible when I was looking for a job before. Nothing was open that I could legitimately apply for. When I did find those rare positions I could fill well, they were often code for "This is part-time. You will work to the bone and we will give you nothing." It's why I started with my company if the first place. They've given me experience, connections, and confidence in my skills. But I can't live on just those things alone.
Things are different now. I am more well-rounded. I am prepared to be competitive. The only question is, where will I be this September? Will I finally have my own classroom in a school that knows what I am capable of? Will I still be working for my same little company, hoping to get more hours? Or will I be somewhere in between?
Can't really know until I get there, I suppose.
RG
Monday, February 7, 2011
Would It Kill You Guys to Make Some Good Decisions?
Lately, I've been noticing a very disturbing trend among people I know. It's a trend that involves people chasing after things or people they know are terrible for them. A trend that involves making the worst possible choices and expecting the best possible outcome only to be severely disappointed.
And no matter how many times these decisions don't work out for them, these people keep making them. And then they whine about it. A lot. *sigh*
I want to be a good friend, I really do. I want to be there for people when times are tough and when times are good. But I don't want to be a part of watching people destroy themselves and others for no good reason. What is the difference between being a good friend and being an enabler? When does one stop and the other begin? Does telling someone "That's a terrible idea," put me in the bad friend box even if it's true? It seems that way, sadly.
Everyone makes mistakes. No one is perfect. Hell, I know I'm not. Thing is, I learn from my mistakes. I try not to make the same one twice, never mind multiple times. And don't get me wrong, plenty of other folks I know also learn from their mistakes, and I respect them for that. I can always respect growth and change in a positive direction. I can't respect growth and change born out of selfishness or a change that harms others or oneself, intentionally or not.
This whole need to reboot is so I can grow in a positive direction and make choices that will make me and others happier in the long run. And really, as long as I don't stray from that, I'll be fine. I just don't want to go so far and leave folks behind. It's a real shame they've decided to walk backwards, because they won't find anything they need by going that way. I'd tell them, but it's not my place, apparently.
RG
And no matter how many times these decisions don't work out for them, these people keep making them. And then they whine about it. A lot. *sigh*
I want to be a good friend, I really do. I want to be there for people when times are tough and when times are good. But I don't want to be a part of watching people destroy themselves and others for no good reason. What is the difference between being a good friend and being an enabler? When does one stop and the other begin? Does telling someone "That's a terrible idea," put me in the bad friend box even if it's true? It seems that way, sadly.
Everyone makes mistakes. No one is perfect. Hell, I know I'm not. Thing is, I learn from my mistakes. I try not to make the same one twice, never mind multiple times. And don't get me wrong, plenty of other folks I know also learn from their mistakes, and I respect them for that. I can always respect growth and change in a positive direction. I can't respect growth and change born out of selfishness or a change that harms others or oneself, intentionally or not.
This whole need to reboot is so I can grow in a positive direction and make choices that will make me and others happier in the long run. And really, as long as I don't stray from that, I'll be fine. I just don't want to go so far and leave folks behind. It's a real shame they've decided to walk backwards, because they won't find anything they need by going that way. I'd tell them, but it's not my place, apparently.
RG
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
I'm Not a Relationship Expert, but I Play One on T.V.
As I continue to take on new roles and challenges, I've found that the one that baffles me most is Relationship Expert. It's funny to me when people ask me for dating advice because I sucked at dating. I was awkward, didn't get my feelings across the right way, and when it all comes down to it, the only person I ever properly "dated" is my fiancé. When I have newly single or long-time single friends ask me for advice, the question I ask them first is "Why me?" The answer almost every time? "Well, you and your guy have been together for a while.... so you HAVE to know what you're doing!"
Well, I suppose so, when it comes to monogamy. But dating and balancing different relationships? Dude, I have no clue. I mean, it's one thing to be in a long-time stable relationship. It's another thing entirely to want to be in a long-time stable relationship. Many of the people that ask me advice are the latter. They think they want something long term, they get it, decide it sucks, heartbreak and drama ensues. I mean, yes society tells us being in a heterosexual, monogamous relationship is the ideal. Society also tells women to be thin or no one will love us and tells men that only sissies cry. Society doesn't know much.
What people need to understand about relationships, and what I've seen them ignore time and time again, is that you need to be upfront with yourself and whoever you are with, be it casually or seriously. That means if deep down you want to have fun and not have a serious relationship, you need to be honest with yourself and whoever you date. You may think it will hurt their feelings if you tell them you want to see other people, and you might be right. Know what hurts their feelings more? Finding out you lied to them and being strung along for months or years in a relationship they thought was strong but you knew was going nowhere.
In the end, it is up to you to decide what kind of relationship you want, societal standards be damned. So many people worry about making everyone else happy that they forget about themselves. And a person that is unhappy and does not love himself or herself cannot love another person the right way. There are a lot of people out there who hate themselves and think getting together with other people will make them hate themselves less. Wrong. You'll just hurt two people instead of one and you're getting together with someone in the first place for selfish reasons. Not cool. In that case, it's better to not date for a while, which most people rarely admit and rarely see through.
Like I said, I'm no expert on dating. I'm not an expert on long-term relationships either, but I seem to be doing something right, I guess. And if people ask me for advice, I'll give the most objective, logical advice I can, especially being as unexperienced as I am. All I ask in return is for those who do seek my advice to think about who they are and what they really want before they add someone else to their picture. Not what other people tell them they want, what they really, really want. The answers are always very surprising.
RG
Well, I suppose so, when it comes to monogamy. But dating and balancing different relationships? Dude, I have no clue. I mean, it's one thing to be in a long-time stable relationship. It's another thing entirely to want to be in a long-time stable relationship. Many of the people that ask me advice are the latter. They think they want something long term, they get it, decide it sucks, heartbreak and drama ensues. I mean, yes society tells us being in a heterosexual, monogamous relationship is the ideal. Society also tells women to be thin or no one will love us and tells men that only sissies cry. Society doesn't know much.
What people need to understand about relationships, and what I've seen them ignore time and time again, is that you need to be upfront with yourself and whoever you are with, be it casually or seriously. That means if deep down you want to have fun and not have a serious relationship, you need to be honest with yourself and whoever you date. You may think it will hurt their feelings if you tell them you want to see other people, and you might be right. Know what hurts their feelings more? Finding out you lied to them and being strung along for months or years in a relationship they thought was strong but you knew was going nowhere.
In the end, it is up to you to decide what kind of relationship you want, societal standards be damned. So many people worry about making everyone else happy that they forget about themselves. And a person that is unhappy and does not love himself or herself cannot love another person the right way. There are a lot of people out there who hate themselves and think getting together with other people will make them hate themselves less. Wrong. You'll just hurt two people instead of one and you're getting together with someone in the first place for selfish reasons. Not cool. In that case, it's better to not date for a while, which most people rarely admit and rarely see through.
Like I said, I'm no expert on dating. I'm not an expert on long-term relationships either, but I seem to be doing something right, I guess. And if people ask me for advice, I'll give the most objective, logical advice I can, especially being as unexperienced as I am. All I ask in return is for those who do seek my advice to think about who they are and what they really want before they add someone else to their picture. Not what other people tell them they want, what they really, really want. The answers are always very surprising.
RG
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