As I continue to take on new roles and challenges, I've found that the one that baffles me most is Relationship Expert. It's funny to me when people ask me for dating advice because I sucked at dating. I was awkward, didn't get my feelings across the right way, and when it all comes down to it, the only person I ever properly "dated" is my fiancé. When I have newly single or long-time single friends ask me for advice, the question I ask them first is "Why me?" The answer almost every time? "Well, you and your guy have been together for a while.... so you HAVE to know what you're doing!"
Well, I suppose so, when it comes to monogamy. But dating and balancing different relationships? Dude, I have no clue. I mean, it's one thing to be in a long-time stable relationship. It's another thing entirely to want to be in a long-time stable relationship. Many of the people that ask me advice are the latter. They think they want something long term, they get it, decide it sucks, heartbreak and drama ensues. I mean, yes society tells us being in a heterosexual, monogamous relationship is the ideal. Society also tells women to be thin or no one will love us and tells men that only sissies cry. Society doesn't know much.
What people need to understand about relationships, and what I've seen them ignore time and time again, is that you need to be upfront with yourself and whoever you are with, be it casually or seriously. That means if deep down you want to have fun and not have a serious relationship, you need to be honest with yourself and whoever you date. You may think it will hurt their feelings if you tell them you want to see other people, and you might be right. Know what hurts their feelings more? Finding out you lied to them and being strung along for months or years in a relationship they thought was strong but you knew was going nowhere.
In the end, it is up to you to decide what kind of relationship you want, societal standards be damned. So many people worry about making everyone else happy that they forget about themselves. And a person that is unhappy and does not love himself or herself cannot love another person the right way. There are a lot of people out there who hate themselves and think getting together with other people will make them hate themselves less. Wrong. You'll just hurt two people instead of one and you're getting together with someone in the first place for selfish reasons. Not cool. In that case, it's better to not date for a while, which most people rarely admit and rarely see through.
Like I said, I'm no expert on dating. I'm not an expert on long-term relationships either, but I seem to be doing something right, I guess. And if people ask me for advice, I'll give the most objective, logical advice I can, especially being as unexperienced as I am. All I ask in return is for those who do seek my advice to think about who they are and what they really want before they add someone else to their picture. Not what other people tell them they want, what they really, really want. The answers are always very surprising.
RG
