Dear 2010,

To be completely honest, you sucked for the first few months. When you arrived, I was very unhappy with you. All that I had achieved in 2009 was seemingly undone by your presence and I resented you for it. That job I landed? Terrible and soon to be gone. That Master's degree? Seemingly useless. It wasn't until the springtime that I realized that you had more in store for me than I previously thought.

You were the year that taught me to get up when I fall. Before you, I had never fallen so far. I didn't know what it was like to lose as much as I did. I didn't know what it was to go into a situation hoping to survive rather than expecting to excel. You were a humbling year for a very proud person, and while at once I hated you for it, now I am thankful.

You were the year that brought me to children that needed and wanted my help. You brought me to schools that didn't take what I teach for granted and you proved that not all administrations are as heartless and soulless as my ex-school. You helped me stay on the right path and even pursue more knowledge in it.

You were the year I found my place. I learned who to love, who to trust, and who to leave behind. I learned that I am both a beautiful individual and half of something incredible. And now that I've found how helpful you were to me, you need to go. Funny how that works, 2010.

So I bid you farewell. I wish you happiness in further wisdom within my memories and hope the lessons you taught me remain in my mind in 2011 and beyond.

Sincerely, Your Favorite Work in Progress,

RG

Epic Upgrade

So this news arrives late due to the computer having a virus, but...

On December 18th of 2010.
In a Karaoke Bar in Manhattan.
Surrounded by friends.
My boyfriend proposed.

The answer was yes, ladies and gents! I'm adding Bride to the reboot mission (granted, it won't be happening for a long time, but it's exciting to think about!!!)

RG

Updating

It's December now. Approximately three months since I started reassessing who I am, where I am, and where I'm going. In three months, I've been promoted at my job (twice!), been passing all of my grad school classes, connected and reconnected with some folks, and am on my way to a healthier me. Let's go into the details:

1) For a job that is part time, it is really treating me well. I'm the Spanish teacher for two schools and a visiting teacher for one. Next semester, my hours will increase. I will visit more schools as a Spanish Theatre teacher rather than just focusing on language. I'm at a point where I can reconcile something I do as a job with a passion of mine, and I'm super happy about that! Additionally, my second promotion involved curriculum writing, which means I will have more of a say in how this company works and I'm slowly but surely working my way up the ladder. If you had asked me last year if I still wanted to teach, I definitely would have said "NO" without thinking twice. It isn't the money or prestige that I'm thankful about when it comes to this job, it's the fact that these fine people have given me the confidence I had lost in this past year, and I am eternally grateful to them for doing that.

2) Grad school has once again reached the point of being tedious to me. In all fairness, it was a little silly of me to apply for 12 credits and work at the same time. Still, I'm doing well enough. Time is growing short and a lot is due in the upcoming weeks. When I'm not panicking, I'm getting things together. Next semester, I opted to take two regular classes and an on-line class. We'll see how those go, and if 9 credits really is any less stressful than 12 credits.

3) I've been hanging out and being more social with people than I have in the past. I took a sabbatical from being social about a year and a half ago for reasons previously mentioned in the blog (The Spectre of a Dead Relationship). I took this sabbatical because at the time, after everything had blown up, I thought my social life was over. Then I realized something: I was giving that asshole too much credit. He was not and never will be the center of my social group because I don't have just one social group. I have many. I remembered that I have a lot of people who love me and care about me and know that I am good enough just the way I am. As stated, not my place to spread stories or gossip or whatever you want to call it, but I'm glad to have reached a point in my life where I can stand up to a bully and not be afraid or ashamed. I'm glad to have found and re-discovered friends that are dear to me and bring happiness to me. What I've learned from this: real friends are to be loved and cherished. And it is always worth standing up for yourself.

4) My body and I are on uneasy terms. As stated before, we haven't always had the best relationship. As of now, I've lost about five pounds this month, with many more to go. I'm not stopping until I'm pleased with myself and I'm serious about getting healthier. I've cut out all drinks except water, coffee, milk, and tea. I'm taking a multivitamin that should be getting me nutrients in case my food choices don't. I'm kickboxing twice a week and trying to make a gym visit at least once a week in addition to that, with more visits to be added when there's time. And my biggest change, not eating when I'm not hungry, has been a very good change to make indeed. It's a change that has made me face emotions I usually hide with food. I've accepted that this will be a long journey for me to make, but like many others I have embarked on, it will totally be worth it.

That's all for now, folks.

RG

The War Against Food

My body and I have never gotten along. I can't remember a time in my life where I ever felt happy with how I look. Even when I was in kindergarten, I was made to feel fat by seriously misguided relatives who would make me drink diet soda and eat food with artificial sweeteners. It's hard to love one's image and self when they've been trained to think they are ugly. It takes a long time and a long look through pictures before one realizes, "I was beautiful, dammit." I've reached that point.

As usual, I'm not happy with my body. As usual, I'm trying to do something about it. So far, that something has been to work out more and make healthier eating choices. However, the biggest change I have made in regards to my relationship to food is that I no longer eat when I'm sad. Or angry. Or stressed. I've broken up with food as my comfort buddy, and I feel really good about it.

It's amazing how often I used to reach out to nibble on something when I was feeling bad. If I was sad, a snack always cheered me up. If I was stressed, I could grab a really sweet Starbucks coffee and be fine. But the thing is, all of these actions are crutches. I don't feel any better once those things have been digested. And I certainly don't feel better when I step on the scale and see what they did to me.  It's a vicious cycle. Feel bad, eat. Realize you gained weight, feel bad. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Only now I see what I've been doing to myself, and I'm not going to continue it anymore.

I am declaring a war against food. Not as sustenance, because we all need food to live, but as therapy. If I feel sad, I'm going to cry. If I feel angry, I'm going to walk to cool off. If I feel stressed, I'm going to watch cute cat videos on Youtube. But I refuse to use food to make me feel better anymore, because it never has and it never will.

 This is me breaking the cycle. this is me saying I have always been beautiful. I will always be beautiful. And I'm leaving something that hurts me.

RG

Contact

It's good to keep in touch with people. That usually hasn't been a strong point of mine in the past, but it's yet another thing I'm working on. Last night I met with some folks I hadn't sat down and really spoken to in over a year. It was amazing.

I always worry about keeping in touch with others. Sometimes they don't want you to talk to them. Sometimes they're just as shy about it. But I've never regretted the times I have reached out to people I haven't spoken to in a while. Especially this group. Whenever we're together, I get such a happy rush of memories. It's very comforting to see that they have stayed stable when others have fractured. It makes me want to reach out more, but as usual, I worry.

There are so many figures from my life that I have loved. Some I've kept, some are misplaced, some are lost. I wonder how it is that people ended up in those places for me. Did I change? Did they? Did we both? As I reassess who I am and where I'm going, I've been thinking about who I consider to be closest to me. And if I claim they are close to me, why the heck don't I talk to them more often? I mean, I know we're all big boys and girls now with jobs and bills and lives, but we had some special times. We had connections that helped me grow to where I am now, and I'm so grateful to them. But that's a weird way to start a conversation, isn't it? "Hi, it's me. I know you haven't heard from me in a while, but you've helped make me who I am and I love you for it." 

Maybe I'm still too shy. But at least I'm working on it.

RG 

The Spectre of a Dead Relationship

Rebooting has brought a lot of interesting things to the forefront to me. I've started a new job. I've gone back to school (and liked it!). I've even started to read and write original fiction for fun and maybe profit one day.

There is something else that this whole process has brought up: a dead relationship that refuses to stay dead. This zombie of a connection keeps popping up at interesting times and while I wish it could stay dead forever, I know that will never be. To summarize:

He was a friend, a close friend, never more than that. He had issues, so does everyone. He and I grew close, like brother and sister. One day, he began to change. To avoid me. To make plans that somehow always fell through. To thank me for being so understanding as he continued to ignore our friendship and let the short time we had left together slip away. I grew bitter. I felt alone. I told him so. He told me it was my fault. I didn't understand enough. I wasn't patient enough. I wasn't good enough. I said goodbye. 

Usually, that's the end of the story. Except this particular spectre happens to have a lot of mutual connections with myself, connections who haven't seen him for what he truly is yet. It is not my place to expose him nor belittle him as he did me. It is my place to come to terms with the fact that he will be orbiting my social circle for quite a while, if not, always. I am not particularly happy with this, but that is how things are. Perhaps one day I will not mind it. For now, that is not the case.

As with other things in this rebooting process, I will continue to find a way to make this work.

RG

If Writing and I Were in a Relationship, It Would Be Complicated

So, among rebooting various aspects of my life right about now, something I started writing has come back to me from beyond the grave. I'm not quite sure what to make of it really. On the one hand, it can turn into your typical near future dystopia novel in which yet another female character generated by a new author would save the day, kind of. On the other hand, there's a lot of controversial stuff I'm tackling that, while it has been covered before, bot from this specific perspective.

I'm worried about giving too much away lest someone steal my idea. But it does take a look at issues of self-expression, freedom, and choices from the point of view of a young woman who is not of Caucasian descent. That alone is rare if regular novels, let alone sci-fi/thriller/speculative fiction.

There's no doubt that I can write well. The problem is finding enough time and motivation to do so. I enjoy writing and can really produce a lot when I'm in the zone. Maybe I'll dedicate some of these rebooting efforts to that.

RG

Waking Among Dreams

It's odd how many go into teaching as a back-up plan. I can't really think of anyone who always knew they wanted to be a teacher since they were five or six-years-old. Teaching for me wasn't even an idea until I got a flier in my mailbox for an info session and figured, "Why not?"

I've come across many in my grad school classes. Some came to this country for a new life and were lucky enough to find a career that let them use their native language and paid well. Others are taking classes to become eligible for more money in their jobs. Very few are actually interested in any of these classes. I spoke to a classmate about her dreams today. She was a dancer once. she had planned to teaching dance to younger students after performing on stage. She broke her leg in a freak accident, and while she can walk, she will never dance again.

I listened to her recount the end of her dreams. She is a woman who came to terms with the hand life dealt her. She went to her secondary plan to teach literature, and found happiness in it. She, like myself, needed to reboot and start anew when life didn't quite go the way she planned for it to. And she's just fine now.

I forget that I am young sometimes. After a decade or so of being a voice of reason among peers and elders alike, the fact that I am barely in my mid-20s slips my mind often. I hear a lot from those around me, that my life is ahead of me, that I have years to get where I am going. It just so happens that I went into my back-up plan before actually chasing after a dream. I had never thought of being a teacher before my senior year of college. Even then, I was still doubtful of it.

While I do not regret my decision to teach and work with the young, I can't help but wonder what would have happened if I had continued to dream. At that point, my chances of going into grad school for English Literature were very low and I probably would have settled into a publishing job. Did I give up on that too early? Perhaps. But in a strange way, I don't miss it all that much.

So, as usual, I have no clear idea of where I'm going. Just that I want to get there as safely and as happily as possible. And even if this teaching thing doesn't work out (Which is looking less likely. It seems to come naturally to me at some points) , I can always go back to my dreams.

RG

After the Dive

As of now, I've been teaching again for about a week and a half. After almost months of questioning this path, the ability to relate to others and share information has returned to me in full. The doubts I had, the doubts that haunted me since June, have shrunk dramatically.

There is something beautiful in the eyes of a child that has learned something new. Something sweet in the way they practice and perfect their craft so they can show off to one another. I missed that in my last school, where the bright constantly bowed to the mediocre and the spiteful. I missed being among those who understand that an education is something to be cherished and not a chore. I only wish I could share that with those I had before, but have the sneaking suspicion they wouldn't appreciate it anyway.

The night hauntings have not vanished, but they have diminished. Memories of time past will always be with me, I suppose. Perhaps I am too busy to be haunted now. Though, when the memories do return, I can always try to figure out just what exactly they're trying to tell me.

Sometimes, you can't move forward if you can't remember where you've been.

RG

Unsettled

The grad school experiment continues to go well. Work for me should begin next week, if only part time. Life as I know it now seems to be going in a good direction. Still, like most, I am haunted by the past.

There are times when I close my eyes to sleep at night, and I can't. The strangest memories will come to haunt me just before I fall asleep. They come from all time periods in the past and vary in strength, but they are there. Sometimes, it is a memory from middle school. A mean face, a joke at my expense, laughter from spoiled twelve-year-olds. Many times, they're memories from my past job: the potential I showed fading throughout the year as I got less and less support from peers and superiors alike. Phone calls to homes that never answered, phone calls to parents who literally didn't care. The idea of feeling truly helpless for the first time since I was a child.

Many times, the memories are about relationships I have lost. Those are the clearest ones, and the most painful. I'm taken to moments in time I cannot change, no matter how much I wish to. I see the complications in those times that I had not before, re-listen to conversations I'd rather forget but can't. In the worst cases, those people are gone. They've passed from this world and there isn't an opportunity for me to rekindle our relationship. Other times, they're people who I admit, I don't want anything to do with, but feel I have to for people other than myself. In all cases, these memories take me back to a place where I feel I can only witness the past as it is but still feel those emotions as strongly as I did then.

I'm not sure why these memories like to pop up before I sleep, but they've been haunting me more than they should. They've caused me to become unsettled in my daily tasks (and yawning a lot more during the day). Perhaps some entries in the future will be dedicated to writing about these memories and figuring out why they come back to me. Part of my whole rebooting experiment is to move forward, and while memories are good to have, I can do without the haunting ones visiting me before I sleep.

Let's see what visits me tonight or tomorrow, if anything.

Celebrating Amidst Uncertainty

I'm not alone in rebooting. It seems a lot of folks in my generation are also adrift in a Sea of Uncertainty these days. People call the Millenials selfish and spoiled and used to getting what they want, but I see another side. I see a group of people who have grown up with more knowledge at their fingertips than most of our predecessors had access to in their entire lives. I see a group of people who lived through a day of hatred and continue to campaign for peace. I've been lucky enough to have met some of the most open-minded, caring people of my generation who, like me, also have no idea just which path to pursue and are content just to grow as human beings. We lack the cynicism of our prior generation, X, and the greed of our parental generation, the Boomers. Instead, we have optimism and the goal of everyone coming out ahead. Many call it naive, especially in this time, but I feel it is this optimism, this feeling of "I can do this," that gets most of us where we're going. And that feeling is what makes me glad to be a part of this generation, even if it means rebooting.

Tonight, I'm going out with my significant other. As it turns out, he's been rebooting too. He just left a job that made him miserable and moved to another position that gives him peace. He has been able to find employment multiple times in this climate and still he wonders what his purpose is in the world, much like myself. While we haven't found our purposes, we have found jobs/careers/assignments that can give us some financial stability while we continue our respective journeys. I can honestly say that I am glad for him, that I support his need to move from a job and not stay in a place "because he has to." So we're going out for a night on the town. To celebrate getting to places, even if we're not exactly sure where those places are.

RG

A Bit of Backstory

So you may be wondering just what exactly I'm rebooting from. I'll try to keep it short, but no promises.

Last year, I completed my education, or so I thought. I got my Master's Degree, I finished all of my studies, and I got a job. This job was teaching in a charter school in North Jersey, which for the first few months or so, was great.

Around the middle of the school year, things started going downhill super fast. The upper grades were already a challenge due to having four past teachers of Spanish in a row. By this point, they were getting outright disrespectful and rude. I called parents, but parents either didn't pick up or didn't care. The eighth grade teacher, my supposed mentor, screwed up my paperwork so I didn't get a standard license and she got knocked up to boot, which means she promptly forgot about me.

This mix made teaching her class damned near impossible. So when I got to my meeting regarding hiring in April, I knew deep down I wasn't going to make it. I still had two months to go in this place, and the adults let the kids know I wasn't coming back. All around me I heard the word, from kids and adults, "failure."

Never had I been in a situation where people were counting, no, hoping I would fail. The kids I can mostly forgive because they're young and everyone's an asshole in middle school, but I'm talking about the adults. Full grown men and women snarking at me behind my back and to my face. Men and women who made my job harder because they treated my subject like a joke in front of their kids. On my last day with them, I said my polite goodbyes, turned around, and never looked back.

For someone who, as a kid, freaked out when she got Bs on report cards, this was a pretty sucky school year. I entered a deep state of worry: Did I make the wrong choice to go into teaching? Am I just not made for it? What else can I do with this Master's I busted my ass trying to get? The job search wasn't much easier. The budget for New Jersey schools crashed this year, which means Language Teachers were the first ones cut. So most of the positions I stumbled across either wanted someone who spoke Spanish and another language, paid part-time for someone who would come in once a week (Good luck learning Spanish, kids!), or would require me to move far away for a job I wasn't 100% sure would last one year, never mind forever.

Luckily, things did turn around for me. But I'll leave that for another post.

RG

Welcome

If you've been directed here by me, welcome to my new blog. If not, welcome all the same!

This blog was born out of the need to reflect, note, and rant about this current stage in my life. This is the partial story of a girl who supposedly did everything right to succeed... and failed anyway. So she's rebooting. She's heading back to school, she got a new job, and she's ready to make things right while trying to figure out what went wrong in the first place.

More updates to come. Happy reading and rebooting!