Today's topic: Loyalty. This is a big one for me, for a lot of different reasons. Because I have defined myself with this word in the past and as of now am letting it go.
Loyalty is defined as faithfulness or a devotion to a person, country, group, or cause. It is the idea that I will stick by something no matter what the consequences, good or bad. That once I am in, I am all in and that I will not falter. For as long as I can remember, loyalty has been an unquestionably good quality of mine. Whenever people called me loyal, I beamed. Loyalty was a badge of honor, a symbol of my pride. I wore it as often as I could with as many people and things as possible. Until the point in my life where I realized loyalty could have a dark, twisted form. A form that almost destroyed me.
The first issue I had with loyalty was my belief that no one else had it to the extent that I did. I remember being in middle school and sticking by the same group of people. Even when, as girls that age tend to do, they started backstabbing and abandoning me, I stood by them. Every tear that I cried fell with the belief that one day, they would come around. After all, I still believed in them and I never took any steps towards revenge. Why wouldn't they come back? Why would they keep hurting someone who was so loyal? Some of them did come around, and some did not. I stuck by the ones that did and chalked off the others as being "disloyal." They weren't worth being my friends anyway because they didn't believe in what I did; that being loyal was more important than boys or bands or clothes. And for a while, that belief did me good.
That belief finally popped between my final year of college and now. The belief I came across that shook my world was this: Sometimes, loyalty isn't worth the garbage you put up with. Middle school repeated itself for me. I fell out with one person and as a result, many people I was loyal to, people I cared about, could not be bothered to be loyal to me. They did this out of convenience, which by now I've established as more on the wrong side of the morality scale (for me anyway). Out of loyalty to them, I carried the burden of being the stubborn one, the unreasonable one, the one who was lost. Never mind that I was hurt, never mind that I needed help. It was inconvenient to help me, inconvenient to reach out. And yet... I was loyal to these people. The thought now makes me sick. It makes me angry that I cared about them, angry that I could be tossed aside. Like garbage, less than a human being.
Then I realized something. They didn't owe me anything. Loyalty to me was inconvenient. They didn't need to put up with my issues, so why should they? Why communicate with someone who had fallen when you could stay on the top as happy as a clam? Sure, when they needed something and it was convenient to them, they'd come around and ask for favors. But then they'd leave again once they got what they needed. I saw them, hurting, backstabbing, sniping at each other, and I felt jealous. That they could do all that and not lose their wits and emotions and status and sanity. That even though I did all I could to be as morally "right" as possible, all of these "wrong"-doers were far more privileged than I was. I hated them. But really? I wanted to be just like them. To be able to live without having to worry about the emotions and issues and lives of others. To hurt others without feeling any pain myself. To step on and squash others like bugs. To wield the power I once had more firmly than ever before. I wanted to burn them as much as they burned me, ten times hotter.
And just as quickly as it came, it subsided. I looked at what I wanted and saw just what I would have to become in order to attain it. And I didn't like it. But I no longer liked being loyal either. Not to the extent I once was. I decided that it was time to stop defining myself by this word. To let go of things I once held dear once I really measured them. Once I saw just what the benefits were. So much for sticking by something no matter what, eh?
In the end, I am still loyal to some people and things. Far fewer than I once was and think will ever be again. As far as I am concerned, the loyalty I once had is overrated. It felt good to be someone people could count on. But I want to be more than that. I want to be the one who makes you laugh. Or the one who throws sweet parties. Even the one who calls sometimes just to say hi and leave it at that. I don't want to be the one you scream at and takes it "because she has to or else she's a bad friend". Or the one you backstab because "she'll forgive you for it anyway". Or the one you snicker at when she's not around and fake a smile for because "I can get away with that when it comes to her". The one you pity for standing by something she really shouldn't. I am better than that; I know that now. Most of all, I want to be the one who is strong enough stand for herself, no other cause or person necessary. And I think, ironically, by letting my loyalty go, I can become that person.
Next time: Forgiveness
RG
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