Be Aggressive, B-E Aggressive

I've noticed a pattern forming in this reboot project that was definitely unexpected. As I've been rebuilding who I am, what I do, and where I'm going, I've noticed a stark pattern of aggression. This doesn't mean I've joined a Fight Club or dress up as a bat and fight crime at night, although both of those things would be interesting to try once. It's a different kind of aggression than that. The aggression I'm cultivating is one that is based on sticking up for myself and others.

Here's a story, kids: Once upon a time, I LOVED passive aggression. I could be angry at people without really being angry at people, you know? I'd put up cryptic statuses on Facebook, write gossipy notes on Livejournal, and all around be a tool towards people who angered me without really letting them know who they were and why I was angry. Recently, I realized just how much worse that is than being straight up with people.  It was bad for them, because one day I was fine and the next not for reasons they almost always never understood. It was bad for me because I kept a lot of that anger to myself and let it fester. Then I killed my old friend, Goody-Goody. If you haven't read that entry, the gist of it is that I rid myself of the doormat aspect of my personality and am learning how to live more assertively and, yes, aggressively.

Now that I am living this more open life, the thing that hurts the most about it is seeing others who are stuck in the same trap I was once in. I see people afraid to tell other people "No" and "Stop" and "Treat me better." I see people resorting to passive aggression because they are either too scared to admit they are angry with someone or for more insidious, manipulative reasons (I.E. - I'm going to guilt this person for making me upset and then not tell them why. Brilliant!). Worst, I see people still have their Goodies telling them to bow down to others when they should hold their heads up high. Seeing these things makes my aggression flare right up. On the one hand, the people I do help and mentor when it comes to getting rid of their Goodies appreciate having someone who made it to this side helping them stick up for themselves. On the other hand, is it really my responsibility to be the hero for people, especially when I'm trying to piece my own self together at the same time?

Aggression is a dangerous addiction once one starts dabbling in it. Telling it how it is and dishing it to people who've made me feel worthless is very cathartic. But I can't let it run how I interact with people in general. Then I become this monster that thinks it's right all the time and challenges and belittles people. I don't want to be the bully. I've been on the other side of that, and to think of myself treating others that way makes me sick. But I am also not the doormat anymore. If this dog is kicked, she will bite back. That much I've made clear. The rest... well, I'm figuring that out.

RG