Miss Goody Goody is the name I gave to a part of me I decided to leave behind when I started rebooting. Miss Goody Goody is the side of my character that was always worried about everyone else and never herself. She was the one who told me it was ok to feel sad if it meant everyone else was happy. She was the one who told me not to stir up trouble (and by trouble, I mean sticking up for myself). She was the one who told me that "good girls just smile and nod and get mad when no one is looking."
Miss Goody Goody is someone I miss, in spite of the bad things she did to me. People liked Miss Goody Goody. People felt comfortable with Miss Goody Goody because she let them do whatever they wanted and Miss Goody Goody always nodded and said "ok". When she disappeared, I noticed many of these people disappeared as well. I became this person who said "no" and "I have an opinion" and "What about how I feel?" Turns out, the same people who liked Miss Goody Goody the most didn't like me. They didn't like that they suddenly had to (gasp) pay attention to a friendship with me rather than just take and take and take and give nothing back. They didn't like that the free ride was over. So they left.
And for the longest time, I was sad. Sad that people I liked and trusted couldn't be bothered to get to know the real me. Sad that when given the choice of a real person or Miss Goody Goody, people went for Miss Goody Goody because she was "easier." And then I realized something: how much should I really miss these people? If they were only friendly to me because I did things for them and served certain purposes, there is really no reason for me to miss them. Granted, not everybody I ever met liked Miss Goody Goody. I had plenty of friends, real friends, that saw who I really was beneath Miss Goody Goody. These are the friends I have closest to me now, maybe not in location, but definitely in heart. These are the folks I can count on and who can always count on me.
And so we get to the part of the letter:
Dear Miss Goody Goody,
I miss how you were able to attract people. I miss how you were able to be cute and bubbly and charming and get people to like you. I miss how much easier it was to make friends with people when you were a part of me.
I don't miss you. I don't miss how you thought it was ok for me to constantly "take one for the team." I don't miss how you exposed the fakes for who they really were, but I am grateful that you did. I don't miss always having to say "I'm sorry" for things I didn't do wrong. I don't miss having to put up with things that were ultimately stupid and pointless. I don't miss having to maintain a facade while everyone else can be genuinely happy with you. I don't miss how you twisted things in my mind to make me look like the bad guy for wanting to be respected and truly loved for who I am, not for what I could do.
Things are tougher without you. Making new friends will never be the same. Keeping good friends will actually be easier. Whoever disappeared with you was not worthy of me. Whoever stayed is. And to be honest, I am happy with the people I have in my life now. Near or far, highly connected or not. And most of all, I am ultimately happy that you are gone and I can be who I want to be, not what people want me to be.
- RG
No comments:
Post a Comment